Thursday, January 19, 2017

I'll come back when all is right with your mind...

Today's post is especially non-sensical.  You probably shouldn't bother with it.

I suppose there is a part of me that is a bit of an attention whore.  I have always been one to blurt out things that other people find shocking or disturbing.  My mom used to get very annoyed with me when I'd do that.  She'd yell at me about "always wanting to put on a show."  I'm not sure why she was surprised that I'd have that proclivity.

Both of my parents were/are musical people.  My dad was a singer who used to perform in a lot of choirs and other groups.  My mom was a church organist for decades.  My sisters and I all inherited artistic and performance talents.  One sister is a dancer.  One is an artist.  One probably could be a stand up comic if she put her mind to it.  She also has a good singing voice.  I myself like to write and sing.  Three out of the four of us sisters are quick witted types who are fast with a quip.  Hang around our extended family and you'll quickly find that a lot of us are artists, comics, and performers on some level.  A lot of my relatives are flat out hilarious.  Many of us like attention.

One other thing that was passed down to me, and a number of my relatives, is the tendency to get depressed.  It's not often talked about in my family, but I know that major depression is a family trait.  I have suffered from it.  I know at least one of my sisters has suffered.  My father and at least one uncle have experienced clinical depression.  I can't really speak to their experiences.  For me, it's like I usually have a low level of dysthymia coupled with anxiety, but there have been times when it's gotten much worse and I've actually been technically suicidal.  Luckily, I did not ever end up in a hospital.

"Shall I come back when all is well with your mind?"  Seriously... this is what I was thinking of when I started writing today's post.

Lately, I've been feeling very anxious about a lot of things, although depression hasn't really reared its head in a significant way for some time.  For some strange reason, last night I posted "I think I'd be okay with being hit by a truck..."

Granted, I'd had some wine.  I do occasionally say things that are shocking and disturbing, often when I'm completely sober.  I still don't know where I got the urge to post such a thing.  I got a few funny comments from people, a couple of whom made me feel nice by saying they'd miss me if I were gone.  I hope none of them took me seriously.  I did hasten to add that I'm not actually looking to get hit by a truck.  I think that thought came out due to my feeling a bit out of sorts lately.  I have this feeling like I would like to be comatose or something, at least until it's not so cold outside.  I would probably feel better if I had something to focus on other than the weather, my dogs, 80s era film and TV shows, and politics.  I blurted out something non-sensical for the hell of it.

Since Bill actually has been run over by a car, he was quick to tell me that he doesn't recommend the experience.  I've probably written about this before, but I can't find a link to my version of the story.  This is a link to Bill's own account, which is probably better than anything I could write on the subject.  Although Bill doesn't recommend being hit or run over by a truck, he did tell me that he's glad he had the experience.  He has always described it to me as a "near death experience".  I don't know if that was what it actually was; neither does he.  But I do think it's made him kind of special in a way.  That experience has made him a very unique person with a perspective most people will never have.  Still, according to Bill, it hurts like a motherfucker to be run over by a car.  It's not a fun experience and he doesn't think I should seek it.

Sometimes I have really goofy thoughts.  Earlier yesterday, I posted that Howard Keel, the late Broadway actor and singer, creeps me out.  I have been watching him play Clayton Farlow on Dallas.  For some reason, every time I watch him, I think of him peeing on a big rock.  I think it's because he was really tall and I think of the impact of urine hitting a surface from such a height.  Why I decided to post that on Facebook, I don't know.  However, it did spawn a rather funny exchange with the few friends who know who Howard Keel was.

One day, this handsome, strapping fellow would be on Dallas... and I would be imagining him peeing on a rock.  I imagine it sounding like a horse taking a whiz...

Speaking of Dallas, I watched the entire series a few years ago... Ironically, I did so, in part, when we were living in Germany the first time.  I noticed that sometimes, the show paralleled life many years later.  For instance, I happened to be watching a later season of Dallas in 2010, right around the time there was an oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico.  A story line on Dallas was also about an oil spill affecting Ewing Oil, no doubt inspired by the Exxon Valdez oil spill disaster.  There we were, over twenty years later, dealing with the same issue when BP caused an oil spill in 2010.

Just the other night, I was watching an episode from season six and the character, Donna Culver Krebs, says that Jimmy Carter became President of the United States knowing about nothing but peanut farming.  President Carter went on to serve just one term and a lot of people were down on him when he left office.  More people like him nowadays, since he became a peace ambassador.  Similarly, we have Donald Trump rising to the power of president and he hasn't any experience with the job.  Unfortunately, I have my doubts that Trump will be remembered as fondly.  He's not quite the same animal Jimmy Carter is.  But still, I got a little shiver when I heard Donna Culver Krebs mention Jimmy Carter being an unlikely president.  Life imitating art, again!  But again, probably a goofy thought that I don't necessarily need to share.

We'll see what weird shit I think of today.  Maybe I'll write about it.


  1. Funny. Howard keel has always given me the willies as well. It may have been partly because of when I was a child and "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" was to be aired in the near future at some point on television when I was a child. On one of the promotion reels was an action shot of Howard Keel spanking one of the prospective brides. That image haunted me. Even though I wasn't spanked all that many times nor all that hard as a child, it was one of the things I feared most. Before seeing the Howard Keel promo, I had reached the conclusion by that age - maybe seven or so - that one did not have to suffer the indignity of being spanked once having reached adulthood; Howard Keel's screen footage gave me the idea that I might never be too old for such treatment, which was a major disappointment (not strong enough a word) to me. (It now occurs to me that I might have just asked one of my parents, and they would have told me that there was an age at which point I would not be spanked no matter what I did, and that, for that matter, there were probably worse potential punishments, including facing jail time, but it wasn't something I was comfortable discussing with either of my parents. It was as though if I even brought it up, they might have thought my motivation for having broached the topic mad something to do with a guilty conscience on my part for having done something for which I deserved punishment, and I might have been spanked just for asking about it. I know now that my parents were far more reasonable and far less sadistic than ever to have done such a thing, but a child's mind does not work as an adult's does. Now I understand better, and that while some people may choose that sort of lifestyle, in our society, one does not have to be spanked as an adult if one does not choose that lifestyle. If my parents had known how much I feared being spanked they might have used it even more of a last-resource consequence than they did. Then again, they might have concluded that it was obviously highly effective, and they might have used it more. Who knows? I certainly don't.

    I've never been quite over the edge to bona fide suicidal, but I've had the thought that if a truck traveling at a high rate of speed happened to be in the right place at the right time to end it all for me, it might possibly be doing me and everyone around me a favor. I don't feel that way often, but there are those times when there's too little to which to look forward and too much to dread. I suppose I would not be human if I did not have those feelings at least on occasion.

    1. I think most people have fleeting thoughts of suicide at one time or another. It's when they linger that they cause problems.

      I actually have a copy of Seven Brides For Seven Brothers. Back in the early 80s, it was made into a TV show. River Phoenix was in it.


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