Saturday, November 19, 2016

Just when I thought it was safe, part 2

I'm a bit less pissed off tonight than I was last night.  I realize that yesterday's rant may seem completely looney to anyone who hasn't followed this story.  Those who want to know the story can easily find it in this blog.  I've been chronicling it for years, now.

The short version of the story is that Bill and his ex wife divorced in 2000.  I wasn't the cause of their divorce and I have had absolutely zero influence on Bill's kids.  I met them once in 2003, six months after we got married.  During that one 48 hour visitation, Catherine, the subject of yesterday's post, slapped Bill across the face because we had two beers in our refrigerator.  She was nine years old at the time.

After that visit, she stopped talking to Bill, claiming she had a headache when he'd call.  Pretty soon, she became downright hostile.  Bill's ex wife seemed to be actively encouraging this behavior until Bill's older daughter started acting the same way.  The last time Bill saw them in person was in 2004 at a disastrous Christmas gathering that I've written and thought about far too many times during our marriage.  In 2006, they demanded that he let their stepfather adopt them, which Bill refused to do.  He finally quit paying child support in 2011.  Shortly thereafter, they changed their names to their stepfather's.  For all we know, they also got legally adopted.

So yeah... THAT'S why I don't want to hear from them.  Whenever we hear anything about them, the stress level goes up.  And, to be very frank, their behavior is so egregiously shitty-- especially Catherine's behavior-- that I highly doubt I could be civil toward them for long, anyway.

Bill's mother hasn't seen or heard from those kids in many years.  I think they may have talked to her on the phone in 2003, when they visited us that one time.  Bill's father, on the other hand, is an extreme wimp and lets Bill's ex wife walk all over him.  More than once, he's allowed her to show up with her brood and take over his house, putting up with any obscenely bad behavior for as long as she wants to stay.  He doesn't defend Bill, but allows the ex to stage dramas in his home and use him to get to us.

These are truly toxic people and I am convinced that Bill's younger daughter is especially bad.  While I am trained as a social worker and would probably ordinarily work toward reconciliation, we tried to do that for many years.  They were unwilling.  And pretty soon, it became very obvious to me that they were not going to change.  Why should we spend the precious time in our lives trying to reconnect to people who are so utterly convinced they are better than us?

I know my husband is a wonderful, thoughtful, kind, compassionate man.  I have seen him endure nothing but pain whenever his ex wife or her kids come out of the woodwork.  They are a source of significant pain to him because despite their mean-spiritedness, he still loves them deeply.  I, on the other hand, don't know them and don't have a bond.  It hurts me when they come out of the woodwork, too, because they have contempt for Bill.  But because I have no bond with them, it's easy for me to be outraged and angry with them.  To me, they're pests I'd like to swat.

I would never tolerate my husband's kids' behavior if they were true strangers.  If someone on the street treated me or Bill the way they did, I wouldn't want to have anything to do with them.  Since I don't have a bond with these kids, other than having once thought they were my stepchildren, I kind of feel the same way about them that I would an abusive stranger on the street.

Because Bill loves his father and stepmother and they will never hold those kids accountable for their behavior, there will always be a way for them to harass us.  Or... harass Bill, because I don't really talk to his dad or stepmom anymore.  But Bill does and he shares with me, which then causes me to go batty.

Probably the best thing Bill could do for both of us is find an impartial counselor and work out these issues once and for all.  I, on the other hand, could visit a spa and quit spending so much time on Facebook.  In any case, if anyone is wondering, yes, I know that yesterday's rant was over the top.  I was really upset, though, because this isn't the first time it's happened and it probably won't be the last.


  1. In terms of yesterday's rant, I was under the impression that such was one of the functions/perks of having blogs. Best of luck in sorting this out.

    1. Yeah, well you know, many people think second wives have no right to complain.


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