Monday, July 4, 2016

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here...

Once upon a time, there was a princess who lived in an ivory tower.  She spent most of her time alone reading the news and writing in her diary.  Sometimes, she shared her diary with other people in her village and that had made her slightly more popular among all of the other royals who lived nearby.

One day, the princess decided to host a low key gathering at her house.  The princess expected the party to be a strictly casual affair, with not too much grog drinking or merrymaking.  She knew many of her friends were fun folks from the forest who only liked to get rowdy every once in awhile.  The princess was proud to note that most of her friends knew when to say when and voluntarily quit drinking grog when they were getting too loud.  They'd usually leave her parties happy and brimming with good will, responsibly paired with a sober designated driver.   

The princess also knew that she had some other friends who were much bolder, drank more grog, and sometimes caused embarrassing public scenes.  Even still, most of those people were basically good-natured and knew when it was time to call it a night.  If they overconsumed from the grog bowl, they'd apologize and go home.  The next morning, after everyone got some sleep, ate some raw protein, and drank essential fluids, they'd be cordial and friendly again.  The princess's ivory tower would once again be welcoming and peaceful.  Besides, the really bold friends didn't always show up to the princess's parties because they had more exciting parties to attend.  

The princess truly didn't think her small gathering would be noteworthy in the village.  She issued the invitation to everyone and didn't really expect a large turnout.  A few friends soon showed up at her tower.  They were mostly agreeable and were playing nicely with each other.  There was pleasant conversation, grog drinking, and gnawing on meaty concepts.  Things were going well, so the princess relaxed a bit and went into her kitchen to mix up another batch of grog for her guests to enjoy.

But then one of the princess's more unpredictable friends showed up at the tower and sat down at the table with a heavy thud.  She scowled at everyone, looking disdainfully at the crowd.  Then she belched loudly and let rip a scorching fart that fouled the air in the room.  

"Gimme a drink and the microphone!" she screeched as she pulled up a chair.  "I got something very important to say!"

The princess watched as her new party guest grabbed the microphone out of another guest's hand and proceeded to loudly express her controversial opinions to the small crowd.  Her voice overpowered all others in the room and people began to look distinctly uncomfortable. 

"People who don't do exactly what they are ordered to do ought to expect to have their asses kicked and their faces bloodied." the party guest opined.  "I don't care who they are or what their story is!  They ought to have their asses KICKED!  Kicked, I say!  To kingdom come and back!  By people in uniforms!   They should expect it and accept it without comment.  And yes, I know this makes me an 'asshole'.  So be it.  I am proud to be an ASSHOLE!"

The crowd gasped in horror and surprise.  A few people left the party.  A few shook their heads angrily, but held their tongues.  They knew arguing with this particular guest was an exercise in futility.  Still a few others decided that they needed to speak up.  The princess was still engaged doing other things, but looked in on her guests as she stirred more grog.  She noticed that some of her other guests were trying very hard to reason with the loudmouth who had come late to the party.  But the new guest would not back down or lower her voice.  She was perfectly content to frustrate and annoy the other people who were trying to make merry.  

Eventually, the princess determined that it was time for her to say something.  She came out of the kitchen and tried to talk to the guest herself, but got the same repetitive and hostile treatment as her friends had.  

"I am right and you are wrong!" the recalcitrant guest shouted, her words slurred by copious amounts of Kool-Aid flavored grog.  "I will win this debate!  You WILL agree with me or I will die trying to force you to agree!  Because I am an ASSHOLE!  An ASSHOLE, I say!"  She stomped her feet as her face reddened with each challenger who engaged her.  Guest after guest got disgusted and left the party as the princess looked on.

Finally, after the party had been going on for about nine hours, the princess looked at her watch and said, "It's late and this party is about played out.  I'm tired and I think it's time for everyone to leave.  You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.  Kindly take your party to your own house."

"No way!" the party guest screamed!  "You invited me to your house and I'm not done partying!  You HAVE to entertain me until I'm ready to leave!  You have no choice!"

"I did invite you, that's true..." the princess said calmly, "but it's my house and I'm tired.  I want to go to bed.  I can't go to bed if you're in my house offending my friends and neighbors with your yelling, belching, and farting.  So please, won't you take your partying to someone else's house?  Or better yet, why not party at your house?  That way, you're in control.  That seems to be how you like it."

"You issued this invitation knowing full well how I would behave!" the guest yelled.  "You KNEW I'd show up and want to party with you!  If you don't want people to come to your parties, you should make them more boring!  You can't advertise exciting parties and then tell me I have to go somewhere else when I'm having all this fun!  That's not FAIR!"

The princess said, "I expect my friends to honor polite requests to cease and desist.  If they can't respect me enough to leave my home when I ask them to go, then they cease to be friends and I have to throw them out.  I really don't like throwing people out of my house, but sometimes it's necessary." 

With that, the princess grabbed the loudmouth party guest, tossed her from the window where she often let down her golden hair, and banished her from the ivory tower forevermore.  The party guest was then free to foul the air at another party.  And the princess and her friends lived happily ever after, free to pursue a life of peace and religious fulfillment.

I think Red Peters expressed it best...

The End


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