Tuesday, July 26, 2016

The princess and the paper peddler...

This is another non-sensical fairy tale post that will only make total sense to certain people.  I hope others will simply enjoy the story.  Maybe later, I'll write about something everyone will get.

When last we left her, Princess Knotolia was on the brink of blasting one of her so-called "friends" out of the Friend Zone Forest.  The Minister of Masturdebaiting was quivering there on the brink of a disgustingly messy explosion as Knotolia's finger was poised over the button that would catapult him out of her land for good.  But then, just as she was about to make the big commitment to act, Knotolia heard a male voice in the distance.

"Before you press that button, fair princess, I have to ask you...  Are you properly insured?"

"What?" Princess Knotolia queried, suddenly confused.

There was a rustling in the bushes and out popped a mild mannered looking guy with glasses.  He gave the princess a friendly smile and said, "I sell insurance.  I can find you the best rate for any of your insurance needs.  Just give me a few minutes."

"Who are you?" Princess Knotolia asked.

"My name is Herr Verkauf." the man said.  "You know, you are venturing very close to the border of your land and if you cross over, the laws will change drastically.  You should take care to be properly insured.  If not, you may find yourself in a world of financial hurt.  Your wimpy insurance coverage isn't nearly enough."

Princess Knotolia stopped to think about that possibility for a moment.  It was true that she liked to vacation in the adjoining land and sometimes stayed there for long periods of time.  She knew the people in that place were generally friendly and helpful, but would not hesitate to sue.  Though she was a princess, Knotolia didn't have a lot of money because she'd just lowered taxes for her subjects.  And the man seemed so friendly and helpful and his product seemed useful and reasonably priced.

"It will only cost you a small sum...  Just a few pieces of gold and you will be all set." Herr Verkauf continued.

"I'll think about it." Knotolia said.  Herr Verkauf had effectively distracted Knotolia from dispatching the Minister of Masturdebaiting.  The creature calmed down, got ahold of himself, and scurried off into the forest.  Knotolia sighed as she realized that they would meet again and she'd probably have to dispatch him at that time.  But for now, masturdebaitors would have their hero and Knotolia was temporarily glad she hadn't had to push the button after all.

That evening, Princess Knotolia sat down in her ivory tower and looked over the paperwork Herr Verkauf had given her.  He'd made a good case for buying insurance.  But Knotolia knew that not everyone in the kingdom felt the way she did about what Herr Verkauf was selling.  Word out on the foothpaths was that Herr Verkauf was an aggressive peddler who pushed his product on everyone.  The princess mostly tried to stay out of the disputes, realizing that people had the right to their opinions.  But it was true that she had heard a lot of scuttlebutt about the paper peddler.

Princess Knotolia decided to purchase a policy after the royal dog handler told her it would be a good idea.  Since she took so many trips to other lands, it made sense that she would be covered in case one of her little fur babies did something that damaged someone else's property.  Because it was easy, she bought the policy from Herr Verkauf and all was fine for awhile.

One day, Princess Knotolia went to the town square to purchase some kumquats and garbanzo beans. While she was there, she noticed a rowdy, but friendly group sitting in one of the private cafes.  Several in the group waved to the princess and motioned her to come over.

Unable to resist a giggle session, the princess approached the group and was soon mingling with everyone.  She set down her kumquats and garbanzo beans and laughed at the lighthearted merriment as someone passed around glasses of ale.  Suddenly, a low ranking, alcoholic constable said, "I see Herr Verkauf is at it again, selling his insurance policies."

The princess's ears perked up as another in the group said, "That motherfucker is relentless!  Every single time someone mentions buying a pet or taking a trip, he's got to open his big trap!  It's annoying as fuck!"

"I heard he's not even licensed to sell the insurance in the Land of Ass Clown.  I looked him up and he's not listed!" one woman said.

"You think maybe he's a fraud?" a young man asked, stifling a giggle as he stroked his pet monkey.

"I don't know, but he's always trying to peddle his papers to the people of this land.  He never stops!" the woman answered.

"He seemed pretty nice to me." Princess Knotolia said quietly.

"You just wait, princess.  You'll see the real Herr Verkauf." an outspoken blonde woman sneered.  "He's all about making gold and protecting his reputation."

"Well shit." Princess Knotolia said with a shrug.  "I'd better go now.  I have to go brush my hair and sleep for a hundred years."

The merry group members bid the princess farewell as she walked back to the ivory tower with her produce.

Weeks later, Princess Knotolia went back to the town square to purchase feminine hygiene supplies, big girl panties, and a box of Chiclets.  Once again, she ran into the boisterous group who were making merry with ale.  The mood was slightly more somber this time, as the leader of the group, a fiery redheaded woman named Sable, read a long scroll sent to them by Herr Verkauf.  Basically, the mild mannered salesman had threatened to sue everyone in the group for making merry at his expense.  He was pissed off and ready to make them PAY!

"He's lost his fuckin' mind!" the low ranking alcoholic constable shouted.

"He wants US to apologize?" bleated a young woman with comely cleavage.

"Fuck him!" shouted a stouthearted warrior dressed in rusty armor.

"What's going on?" Princess Knotolia asked, stifling a yawn.  She'd missed her afternoon nap and was feeling weary after the long walk into town.

"Herr Verkauf sent some flying monkeys to our little group here and they tattled on us.  Now he's threatening us with LEGAL action!" Sable explained.  "But I think the joke is on him; because if what he claims is right, it is he who has broken the law!"

Princess Knotolia reached into her sack and pulled out her big girl panties and feminine hygiene products.  She could see they were about to become necessary.

"Imagine the nerve of him!  Does he think we're stupid?  Fuck him!" the rusty armored man shouted. "I'm going to the police!"

"Wow..." Princess Knotolia said.  "It seems like an awful lot of drama has erupted over some harmless fun."

It was true that the man who had seemed so mild mannered and helpful was showing a distinctly threatening side in the scroll he'd sent to the group.  In it, he had claimed that he had everyone's names and addresses and was prepared to use the full force of the law to get the group to stop picking on him.  And, as an ominous end to his screed, Herr Verkauf warned Sable and her low ranking constable friend not to share his missive with the others, yet he was also demanding an apology.  The princess had to admit that the note sounded almost like a ransom note--  "Don't go to the police or you'll be sorry!  But apologize publicly, dammit!"  Knotolia couldn't help but giggle at the mental image she had of Herr Verkauf furiously banging out his scroll full of demands and threats.

"I'm not going to apologize to that guy.  As Ferris Bueller famously said, 'If I'm going to get busted, it is not going to be by a guy like that.'" Sable snarked.  "I guess we'll see him in court."

"Seems to me that an apology is worthless if the person apologizing is insincere.  And I don't think anyone in this merrymaking group is feeling very sincere right now." Princess Knotolia said.  "Someone pass me a midol and a vodka tonic.  Shit's about to get real."

Tune in next time for the continuing story...


  1. When Disney turns this saga into an animated musical, if you don't provide the voice for Princess Knotolia, perhaps they could sign that Betsy Wolfe actress who's supposed to play Elsa or Anna or one of those "Frozen" characters.

    P.S. This is far TMI, but speaking of feminine hygiene products, I just read about some special underwear that doesn't require a menstruating woman to use other protection. This doesn't apply much to me since I've had I think a grand total of eleven periods since I hit the milestone three years ago give or take six months, and even when the hemoglobin fairy does pay me a visit, with my thyroid level being what it is, a band-aid would essentially take care of the spillage. Still, the concept seems a bit gross to me. Is this special underwear akin to a Depends or Tena (not that I wish to give any product with such Godawful commercials any free advertisement} undergarment, or is it magic, or what the hell is going on? I probably don't want to know. It's supposedly reusable. Maybe I should purchase some, or at least forward the advertisement, to Uncle Mahonri's and Aunt Marthalene's daughters - the ones who go through dispoable douches to the tune that Uncle Mahonri felt the need to steal an entire case of them. It would seem that a family with such a great need for disposable douches might also need assistance with other aspects of feminine hygiene.

    Sometimes I wish we could go back to the days when such products were advertised only discreetly in the back pages of women's magazines. Viagra commercials could disappear as well without any complaint from me.

    Speaking of Viagra and its counterparts, I must tell you soon about a patient I saw in the E.R. I can talk about it without violating confidentiality because I was there as a patient and not as a med student when I observed this anomaly. I don't have any of the guy's identifying information either, not that I would blast it even if I did.

    1. LOL... Your ER stories are bound to be entertaining, even if they are gleaned from being a patient.

      The menstrual underwear idea sounds disgusting. But it would be fun to turn my fairy tales into movies... I'm not sure Disney would go for them, though.

  2. When you get a chance , check my most recent blog. I am so incredibly embarrassed that I may have to wear a paper bag over my head from now on anytime I go out in public. I didn't twitter or google advertise the blog, but I did feel that a public apology was in order.

    1. I will have a look forthwith. (needing a trip to England, obviously)

    2. I updated an original in order to be a bit clearer and in order to sound even more contrite.

      I do love the word "forthwith," too.


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