Thursday, July 28, 2016

The princess and the fairy cop...

When last we left Princess Knotolia, she was learning about the local drama erupting over the paper peddler, Herr Verkauf.  The crowd was becoming more and more animated as they talked among themselves about Herr Verkauf's infamous threatening scroll.

Among the members of the crowd was a low ranking drunken constable.  He stumbled to the front of the crowd to speak.  "Heeeey..." he slurred, slurping from a pewter goblet full of bourbon, "I'd like you all to meet my brother, Christmas.  I know he's a fairy, but he's as tough as nails and a better cop than I am.  I called him and he's now on the case!"

The crowd mumbled incoherently as a fairy riding a unicorn with wings appeared.  The unicorn reared up on its hind legs and let out a triumphant neigh as Christmas the fairy cop hung on for dear life.

"Greetings, folks!"  the fairy cop said as he nimbly dismounted the winged unicorn.  "I am here to save the day!"

The mumblings among the crowd grew louder as the fairy cop smiled, showing off his teeth.  He looked adorable, dressed in a little police uniform, complete with a service revolver and baton.

Princess Knotolia looked carefully at the little fellow.  He was very muscular and his uniform fit perfectly, as if he'd had them tailored by the same person who tailored Frank Poncherello's uniforms on CHiPs.  Knotolia couldn't help but gaze at the fairy cop's ass, which was perfectly shaped and proportioned.  She imagined all the unicorn riding gave him a butt that could crack walnuts.

"Pass me that bourbon, would you bro?" Christmas said.  "I'm parched after a long ride over here."

The drunken low ranking constable poured his brother a healthy measure of bourbon in a pewter goblet.  Christmas accept the beverage with a hearty thanks.  Then he tipped the goblet and guzzled the strong brown booze down in one swallow.

"Ahh!" Christmas said with a belch.  "Don't worry, folks.  I don't drink and ride.  My trusty winged unicorn here, Rick, has an excellent sense of direction anyway.  So if I tie one on, he'll get me home safe and sound."

Rick, the winged unicorn, let out a hearty neigh as if in agreement.  Then, much to Princess Knotolia's surprise, the creature made a sound that was remarkably like snarky laughter.  She wondered what Rick the winged unicorn would say if he could speak.  Then she smiled and shook her head, imagining that the creature probably had lots to say.  In fact, if she spent enough time listening, Knotolia felt certain that she could decipher the magical creature's accent into something intelligible.

Christmas set the pewter goblet down so his brother could refill it.  Then he addressed the crowd.  "Now, this fellow, Herr Verkauf, is simply an asshole.  I notice he's been on the rampage, kicking people out of his Friend Zone and building a wall.  Next thing you know, he's going to be demanding that the people on the outside of his wall pay for the damn thing!  That's not right!  If I didn't know better, I'd say he was a little xenophobic.  But I don't know better and I don't want to be sued, so bear in mind that what I'm saying here isn't being represented as fact.  I think it's important to make these points clear because I let my legal insurance lapse and wouldn't want anyone to catch me with my pants down..." Christmas said, his blue eyes twinkling.

"What is the point of all this yammering?" Sable asked.

"Oh, I don't know, dearie." Christmas responded, again flashing a grin.  "I enjoy hearing myself talk.  Rick does, too."

"Well shut the fuck up unless you have something truly useful to say." Sable snapped.  "I'm in a bad fucking mood.  I don't like bourbon and I don't like bullshit.  There's too much of both at this party."

Christmas gave the redhead a look of sheer horror and said, "You don't play, do you?  Calm your tits, will ya?"

"I've been arrested before.  You don't scare me, fairy cop." Sable said, her eyes narrowed into slits.  "Now cut out the bullshit and let's get down to business.  That Herr Verkauf dude is a dick who needs dealing with."

"Really?" Christmas asked.  "Because he's built that wall around himself and so we'll not be harassed by him anymore.  Besides, this'll all blow over with the next drama in our land.  Why bother?"

The low ranking drunken constable poured Christmas another goblet full of bourbon and handed it to his brother.  "Thanks, bro.  Don't mind if I do."

Sable stopped for a moment and said, "Well...  I guess you're right.  Besides, I'd rather be partying.  Someone pass me the pulled pork barbecue and enchiladas."

"Why don't we play a nice rousing game of Cards Against Humanity or something?" Christmas suggested.  "Forget about insurance and focus on having fun.  But be careful, because you don't want to get sued.  You're already taking a chance inviting me here, since Herr Verkauf explicitly asked you not to go to the police."

"You know what I want to do?" Sable asked.  Without waiting for an answer, she said "I want to do naked limbo in the forest.  And I want someone to put pieces of fruit on my chest as I pass under the stick.  And I want Rick the winged unicorn to provide the entertainment.  I hear he does some mean karaoke."

"Yeah, that's what he says." Christmas agreed, casting a doubtful eye on the creature, who had just started eating a lily.

"Hey Christmas!" the feisty blonde shouted, "Does Rick have a siren?  You know, for emergencies?"

"Oh yes, he does..." Christmas said, giving his buddy a sidelong glance.  "That's the only time I can really understand his accent.  When I am in hot pursuit, Rick makes a siren sound and yells out, 'Pull ovah!  Pull ovah!'  It's pretty fucking cool."

"I wanna hear it!" the blonde shouted.

"Now, let's not have any of that.  If Rick turns on his siren, the whole forest will hear it." Christmas warned.  "He also gets really excited and pees on himself.  You don't want to have to clean up that mess, do you?"

"Well shit... I guess not.  But it sounds so cool." the woman said.

"We have to conserve Rick's energy.  He's not so young." Christmas said as he drank more bourbon.

Suddenly, Rick's face was distinctly registering annoyance as he threw his head back and let out a deafening siren sound.  The creature's white mane and tail blew in the breeze as he said "Pull ovah!  Pull ovah!"  For a moment, the winged unicorn was alive with mischief.

"You still got it, dude." Christmas said, patting his friend on the shoulder.  "I'm so proud."  Then, with a drunken lunge, Christmas vaulted himself onto Rick's bare back and the two took to the sky.  "Calm your tits.  I'll be back later," Christmas promised.  "I need a bourbon run.  Giddyap, Rick!"  

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