Wednesday, July 20, 2016

The minister of masturdebaiting...

Here's another fairy tale dedicated to my friend, Lucinda, who inspired me this morning.

When we last saw her, Princess Knotalia was looking for kitten and puppy scrolls so she could stop baiting her loyal subjects into pointless debates.  But as she was searching all the land for cute, entertaining, and non controversial scrolls, she got lost in the forest.  As the fair princess searched for signs of the path leading back to the ivory tower, she ran into a strange looking green creature with no pants on.  It was sitting on a rock with a sickening smile on its sneering face.

Knotalia thought she could just walk past the little creature, but it had something else in mind.  She bid the little green thing a greeting as she started to pass.

The creature simply smirked at Knotalia as it held up big flashing scrolls, one after another.  One scroll read "Vaccinations cause autism, erectile dysfunction, and babies with nine heads!"

"What the fuck?!" Knotalia exclaimed as she stopped and read the scroll.  "This just begs for a response!"

The creature giggled and held up another scroll.  It read "Hillary Clinton is a criminal who belongs in prison for the rest of her life with no access to sex toys or conjugal visits!"

"Huh?  I don't agree with that at all."  Princess Knotalia mused, suddenly noticed a strange twitching in her fingers.  She had suddenly forgotten that she was on a mission and was compelled to pay attention to the little green creature and its controversial scrolls.  She was unaware that she'd been hooked.

With a toss of its head and a fluttering of its eyelashes, the creature held up another scroll.  "The American military is full of blood thirsty criminals who want to destroy the world with drones!  Ramstein Air Force Base is nothing but a place where Americans train people to kill non-whites who cover their heads with cloth."

"Now that's just fucking ridiculous." Knotalia said aloud, her heart filling with indignation.  "That's not true.  The person who wrote that scroll doesn't know what the hell they're talking about!"

The tingling and twitching in Knotalia's fingers was matched with a buzzing in her brain and an insatiable need to start furiously penning a response to the offensive scrolls.  Without thinking, she reached into her trusty satchel and pulled out a quill, some ink, and her fancy stationery.  She began writing her rebuttals with gusto.  She spent a lot of time coming up with the perfect response, revising, clarifying, and thinking of every angle so the green creature wouldn't trip her up with something that would make her look uninformed, irresponsible, or insensitive.

While Knotalia wrote down her thoughts in a very long and eloquent entry, the creature leaned back  with a massive sigh and began massaging itself in an unmentionable part of its body.  It groaned and sighed with obvious glee as Knotalia expounded upon her salient points refuting each of the creature's scrolls.

At first, the fair princess did not notice how vigorously the creature stroked itself.  She was simply too focused on educating the little monster.  But then, out of the corner of her eye, Princess Knotalia saw the creature's hips start to gyrate wildly.  With every pen stroke, the creature seemed more and more turned on...  and then the princess saw that the masturdebaiting creature had joined in with its own vigorous verbal assaults rather than just holding up offensive scrolls.

Perplexed and shocked, Princess Knotalia stopped writing for a moment and watched in amazement.  The little green creature's beady little head was fully erect and ready to spew its load of political bullshit all over Knotalia's clean white dress.

"Wait!" she screamed.  "What the hell are you doing?  You held up those scrolls just to bait me into an argument, didn't you?"

"Ahhh...." the creature moaned, its slender appendages rubbing its many erogenous zones with zeal and ecstasy.  "Don't fight it.  I know you wanted this.  That's why I posted it.  I posted it because I am a masturdebaiter and I wanted to have my fun with you.   Everyone does it.  Those who don't do it are lying.  Anyone who doesn't want to be tempted should find cute puppy and kitten scrolls.  Don't read anything that might lead you to temptation and turn you into a masturdebaiting fiend like me."

"I don't have a problem with masturdebaiting." Knotalia said flatly.  "I mean, sometimes I do it a little... you know, at certain times of the month when I have really bad mental cramps or something.  Or when I'm just bored and need a little lift in my day.  But it's not a problem for me or anything.  I don't need to be sent to rehab."

"Oh sure you don't have a problem with masturdebaiting..." the creature snarked.  "You really do just share things on your scrolls only because you think they're interesting.  Come off it.  You like to stroke yourself all over the place until you make a big, sticky, pearlescent mental mess for other people to clean up.  It's all over your hands and mouth and between your legs... mmmm..."

"That's disgusting!" Knotalia snarled.  "How dare you accuse me of such a thing?!"

The creature gave Knotalia a grin that made her skin crawl and held up another scroll that read "The TSA is an honorable organization that only cares about the safety of airplane passengers."

"Oh my GOD..." Knotalia moaned as she felt herself drawn into another long masturdebaiting session.  But that one was quickly beginning to feel less like masturdebaiting and more like mental abuse.  When it began to get too painful, Knotalia said "You know, I think I'm done masturdebaiting for now.  My fingers are sore; I'm totally spent; and I'm completely dry.  This is not doing it for me anymore."

"What?" the minister of masturdebating hissed, "You can't do that!  Our masturdebaiting session hasn't finished yet.  I haven't gotten off yet."

"No, really, I've had enough.  This is starting to hurt and I need to take some time to rest, recover, regroup, and recharge..." Knotalia said, trying her best to sound sensible but apparently sounding holier than thou instead.

"You can't do this to me." the creature growled, "I haven't finished yet.  I bought you mental dinner, dammit. You were dressed in a short mental skirt...  I must get what I came for."

"Please... I've had enough." Knotalia pleaded.

Suddenly, the green creature who had been masturdebaiting cooperatively with Princess Knotalia turned into a huge monster who refused to be slain.  Right before the princess's eyes, the harmless little masturdebaitor turned into something that needed to be dispatched post haste.

With deep sadness in her heart, Princess Knotalia drew her weapon.  Her finger was poised over the trigger as she warned, "Stop, or I'll shoot you clean out of the Friend Zone Forest, never to return again."

"Must... keep... masturdebaiting..." the creature choked as it stroked itself to the edge of climax.  It looked like it was about to die in a most embarrassing and public way that would make a huge mental mess for Knotalia to clean up.

Our fair princess stood in the forest and wondered what to do as she witnessed the creature about to explode into masturdebaiting oblivion...  She was so tempted to fire away, but thanks to the scrolls she'd read every day, she felt conflicted... because #AllMasturdebaitorsmatter, right?

Tune in next time, same channel!

I picture the minister of masturdebaiting looking something like a conglomeration of these three creatures...




  1. Hillary's resourceful. She would come up with her own sex toys one way or another.

    1. I suspect you commented in the wrong place.

    2. For once in my life, i think I actually did respond to the correct post. My comment was in response to this blurb:
      'The creature giggled and held up another scroll. It read "Hillary Clinton is a criminal who belongs in prison for the rest of her life with no access to sex toys or conjugal visits!" '

      The O.R. is backed up, which sucks but is probably preferable to the toilet being backed up. We still haven't scrubbed for our 6:30 surgery.

    3. Oops! It's been a busy week. I thought you were writing about a post I wrote a few days ago.


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