Just another boring blog about a boring housewife.
Saturday, July 9, 2016
Reposted review of Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking The Ties That Bind
Yet another book review I originally posted on Epinions.com. This is an excellent, scholarly book about the aftereffects of being raised by a parent who engages in parental alienation. Essential reading for divorced couples with children.
Pros: Very well-written and researched. Insightful and accurate to the point of eeriness.
Cons: May upset some readers. Scholarly to the point of being almost "textbook".
Those who regularly read my Epinions reviews may know that my husband has two extremely alienated daughters who haven't spoken to him since 2004. I have only met my husband's kids once, back in 2003. We had a nice enough visit, but afterwards, their mother decided that I was too much of a bad influence on them. She ramped up her efforts to get my husband's kids to reject him. Today in 2011, he has no contact with the two kids (now adults) with whom he used to enjoy a very warm, loving relationship. My husband's daughters are textbook examples of kids who are affected by Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).
PAS is a term that was originally coined by Dr. Richard Gardner, a child psychiatrist. Dr. Gardner noted that sometimes in highly contentious divorce situations, one parent may misuse socialization techniques to turn their child against the other parent to the point at which the relationship is completely destroyed.
PAS is a very controversial topic. Since alienating parents usually tend to be women, a lot of feminist organizations deny that PAS is real. A lot of legal and mental health professionals also argue about whether or not it's real. I am myself educated as a public health social worker and, having spent almost nine years living through PAS with my husband, I have no doubt that parental alienation syndrome is very real and very scary. It absolutely deserves to be taken seriously, especially by the family court system.
Although I've pretty much given up hope that my husband's daughters will ever have a normal relationship with their father, I do still feel the need to read about PAS and related subjects such as narcissistic personality disorder. That drive to research led me to read Amy J. L. Baker's excellent book, Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking The Ties That Bind (2007). This book is very well-researched, well-written, and I guarantee that anyone who has experienced the PAS phenomenon will recognize the uncanny steps a determined alienator will take to destroy a child's relationship with the targeted parent. Who is Amy Baker and how did she research this book?
Dr. Amy J. L. Baker is director of research at the Vincent J. Fontana Center for Child protection of the New York Foundling. In researching Breaking the Ties That Bind, Dr. Baker interviewed 40 adults who believed that when they were children, they were alienated against one of their parents. She also interviewed people who were targeted parents of parental alienators. Chapter by chapter, she uses her subject's stories to lay out what PAS is and outline the tactics used by parental alienators to sever family ties.
The hair on the back of my neck stood on end as I read about the experiences of these adult children of parental alienation syndrome. Many of the alienating parents were women, though some of them were men. And in some cases, the alienation tactics even had some validity because there were some targeted parents who really weren't very good people. In other cases, the children eventually realized that they were manipulated to hate their other parent and their relationship with the alienating parent was damaged. Sometimes they were able to reconnect with the lost parent and build a positive relationship; sometimes they found out that the "dead" relationship was better off left alone. I liked the fact that Dr. Baker explained how adult children of PAS eventually figure out what happened. In some cases, adult children of PAS figure it out when they themselves become targeted parents, either by marrying someone who alienates the kids or by realizing their alienator parents have turned into alienator grandparents by trying to turn their grandkids against their parents. Sadly, sometimes PAS victims never learn the whole truth, but Dr. Baker seems to think they usually do eventually "get it", even if it takes decades.
According to Dr. Baker, the vast majority of parents who alienate their children from their other parents are people who have personality disorders, most notably narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Based on our situation, I am inclined to agree with Dr. Baker, although I also recognize that there are varying degrees of PAS and sometimes the PAS is even somewhat unintentional.
In any case, the children are the ultimate losers in situations where one parent alienates children from the other parent. Dr. Baker notes that children never forget that they have that other parent "out there" and every time the alienating parent punishes them for mentioning or missing the other parent, they are punishing them for their identity. These kids are ordered to deny half of their DNA in order to keep their custodial parent happy. That forced denial has to hurt on many different levels. Indeed, through her research, Dr. Baker found out just how the realization that they have been lied to and manipulated can be so hurtful to children, who have often lost many years with their other parent. In some cases, the other parent has died, making reconciliation impossible. Overall
If you or someone you love has been affected by PAS, I highly recommend reading this book. It's probably one of the very best books I have ever read about parental alienation syndrome. In so many ways, I found Baker's book very insightful and helpful. I found myself feeling a lot more empathy for my husband's kids, despite the horrible way they have treated him and the rest of his family over the years.
This is also an excellent book for mental health and legal professionals; indeed, I think it ought to be required reading for custody evaluators, especially those who doubt PAS exists.
For more information: http://www.amyjlbaker.com/index.php