Wednesday, July 20, 2016

I think I have a deathwish...

This may sound really melodramatic and stupid, but I often think I'd be better off dead.  This doesn't mean I'm thinking of committing suicide.  My days of being actively suicidal are safely behind me, at least for now.  I think I'm just feeling kind of overwhelmed by the shitshow going on right now in the world.  Every day, there's new depressing news from around the globe.  Most of the things that have happened haven't affected me personally, but it seems like it's only a matter of time.  I've never been one to subscribe to Doomsday theories, but sometimes it does seem like we're in the "latter days".

A very appropriate song for this topic...  ;-)

I think back to two years ago, when Bill and I had the chance to visit the beautiful city of Nice.  I have so many pictures of that city, with its pebbly beaches and crystal blue waters.  I have often thought about going back there for a visit.  But then terrorism struck the city and it no longer seems as appealing.  

Beautiful Nice before it became not so nice to visit.

Every day, I see more and more depressing headlines.  My own life is probably better now than it's ever been, yet I still feel hopeless and worried about the future.  I think about my dad, who died two years ago, and realize that his problems are over.  I think about all the people who have already died this year and how the world is worse off without them around.  I have pointless arguments with strangers on the Internet and write a blog that people think is stupid or insignificant.  I regularly get knocked down by criticisms from people who think I'm stupid.

Meanwhile, I've reached middle age and am starting to worry about health issues that strike people my age.  Couple that with my extreme aversion to visiting healthcare providers and you have someone who is constantly anxious.  

This week, I've been looking for places Bill and I (or maybe I alone) can go to decompress.  I've been searching for really good spa hotels where I can unplug, get a massage, float in some water, or even eat really healthy food (like I ever do).  But even that task has me a bit overwhelmed.  Aside from that, it takes some doing to arrange for a trip.  The money to pay for it is the easy part.  It's finding the right time and availability for the dogs at our favorite Hundepension that's a problem.  

I write this realizing that we're so fortunate to even be able to consider going away somewhere.  It makes me feel a little guilty because more than one friend is struggling right now with finances, health, or some other major problem that I don't yet have or have already overcome (for now, anyway).  Then the more logical side of me says that I shouldn't feel guilty that we're doing better financially than we were a few years ago.  Why not enjoy this time?  Why not enjoy it, even though it seems like the world is going to hell in a handbasket for so many other people?  Why not enjoy it even though I realize that the world can suddenly go to hell for us, too?

Meh...  Maybe I'll be somewhere unfortunate at the wrong time and end up being one of those people whose lives get snuffed out unexpectedly.  Or maybe I will linger for years and watch as things get weirder and weirder.

Yep... this is kinda how I feel sometimes.

Bill and I have talked about this a lot.  He has no compulsion to destroy himself.  He doesn't struggle with a deathwish or suicidal ideation like I do.  It must be great not to have those thoughts all the time.  When I have explained to him how I feel, he gives me a baffled look and reminds me that he'd be devastated if I suddenly died.  But I don't think he understands what clinical depression feels like.  He has had situational depression, but that got better once he got out of the situation that caused it.  For me, things got better when I got away from my parents, but I still dealt with depression for years and treated it with medication.  I'm mostly okay now, but there will always be remnants of depression and anxiety in my head.  My experiences with depression and anxiety left a deep scar that won't ever go away.

Still... I think I have a deathwish.  I think about it all the time and wonder what it would be like to be beamed out of life.  It often seems like a pointless thing for me to be taking up space on the planet, consuming things, and not really achieving much.

Leave it to Avenue Q to sum things up... and remind me that everything is only just "For Now".

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