Monday, June 13, 2016

Stop the world, I want to get off...

So, there's been yet another mass shooting.  This time, it was in Orlando, Florida.  Once again, my Facebook feed is full of people ranting, commenting, changing their avatars, and arguing over guns, Muslims, gays and lesbians, and ISIS.  For the most part, I have stayed out of the fray.  I don't see the point in getting into discussions about gun violence.  It just seems like the more time passes, the more the world sucks.

I've spent the weekend worrying about a lot of things.  That's what happens when you have generalized anxiety.  I'm not sure if I'd go as far as saying I have an anxiety disorder.  There was a time when I did, in fact, have generalized anxiety disorder.  I'd have panic attacks and worried about every little thing.  It's been a very long time since my last panic attack... maybe fifteen years or so.  I do still worry a lot and it's affecting my ability to enjoy life.  A lot of the things I worry about are things beyond my control.  The Internet doesn't help.  Facebook really doesn't help.

Sometimes this blog helps because I can put my thoughts down for other people to read.  Other times, it makes things worse.  

At least I don't cry like I used to.  I used to be the type of person who would cry over any frustration.   Now I just shake my head and sigh.  Too many people are consumed by hatred and despair.  Too many people are dying in senseless acts of violence.  Too many people are being buried by their problems.  I know that I, personally, live a pretty good life right now.  But I know that could change in an instant.

I'd post a link to Don Henley's song, "New York Minute", but I know I won't be able to find it.  He's pretty draconian about people posting his music online.  But anyway, if you know the song, you know the sentiment.  In a New York minute, everything can change.  I used to really like that song a lot.  I guess I still do, though it sort of hits close to home.

The people out enjoying their evening in Orlando had no clue that things were about to change very suddenly.  Some of them survived and will have to live with the memories of being wounded in a night club.  Others died and will leave loved ones behind to mourn them.  And this kind of violence will keep happening because there will always be murderous psychos out there with access to weapons.  I don't even know if changing the gun laws would be helpful.  It seems like closing the barn door after the horse is already gone.

People who are bettering themselves in school, enjoying themselves at concerts or movies, drinking in a bar, running in a marathon, or shopping at a mall are at risk of being suddenly murdered.  Some nut opens fire, killing a lot of people.  We go through mourning and talk about it on Facebook, change our avatars, listen to politicians and their platitudes about what they'll do to solve the problem.  Nothing gets done and the fucking violence continues apace and inspires other people to be violent.  It's just crazy.

I'm sorry this post is depressing.  It's a rainy Monday morning and my chest aches because I keep obsessing over my breasts, feeling for potential lumps.  I'm feeling anxious and depressed today.  I wish I didn't feel like this and I know things could be worse than they are.  The thought of things getting worse is partly why I'm depressed.  It's not helpful thinking, I know.  It would be better to be optimistic.  I should practice a little self cognitive behavioral therapy.  For now, I think I'll just eat some chocolate.

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