Sunday, November 8, 2015

Mid life crisis...

Poor Bill.  We were planning to go out and have some fun yesterday, but our dog Zane hurt his paw while on his walk.  Bill ended up having to take him to the vet because Zane wouldn't put weight on the affected leg.  The vet took x-rays and gave Zane an anti-inflammatory.  Zane seems to be back to normal today, but the upshot was that we stayed in last night.

I spent much of the afternoon tasting beer.  We had a very light dinner of some Spanish ham that needed to be eaten, fruit, and olives.  I drank wine.  We started talking and I got very emotional.  I think I was having a bit of a mid life crisis as I told Bill that if something happened to him, I wasn't sure I'd have much to live for.  That sounds really shitty and I admit that it is a shitty thing to say.  It's how I feel, though.

Though I have a big family and there are many good people within it, I am not very close to most of them.  I have friends, but none that are particularly close to me.  I don't have anyone that needs me, unless you count my dogs.  So basically, when I get into that mindset, I start delving into depressive thinking that, if I'm not careful, turns into despair and even suicidal ideation.

I feel better today, though, and we just had a good conversation about it.  I think when it comes to people in my family, I have found that I can't "unring the bell".  There was a time when I could laugh and sweep stuff under the rug.  I had to do it to survive living with my parents.  I can't do it anymore. I can't go into a sick system and function like I used to.  It's too draining and depressing.  So that makes me think that as I get older, I'm going to be alone.

I have to admit, part of the reason I don't bother with seeing doctors is that I'm not all that interested in staying alive for a long time.  I don't want to be disabled, of course, but I'm also not wanting to live to be as old as some of my relatives.  Unlike my grandmother, who lived to be almost 101 years old and was as much beloved by her community as she was by her family, I am not going to have many people missing me when I'm dead.  I don't see a point in living for a long time.  But thanks to my goddamn strong constitution, I probably will.  Most people on both sides of my family make it to at least their 80s.

Bill said he felt the same way as I do about not being missed.  But I think it's different for Bill.  His mother adores him.  His dad loves him too, even if he is prone to sending passive aggressive shaming emails and texts.  He has two daughters who may one day see the light.  There is a potential that his future grandchildren will seek him out.  I don't have any of that.  His kids hate me and, if I'm honest, I pretty much hate them back.  I have a niece and two nephews, but we're not close.  I don't even really have a meaningful job.

I write all this and realize that, right now at least, I do have a great life.  But it's not the kind of life that will produce a legacy.  Unless, of course, after I'm gone, people read these words.  Even if they do, I doubt much will be gleaned from them.  So what's the purpose of my being here, except to be Bill's wife?  When he's gone, what will be left?

I suppose I could buy a little house in the country and take care of animals.  That may be what I'll do if I outlive Bill.

Sorry... today's post is pretty depressing.  I don't mean to be such a downer.  Here's a little something to make you laugh...


or this...


or maybe this...


or this...


Seriously... you should watch some of these videos.  They always raise my spirits.

2 comments:

  1. Let's just hope for long and relatively healthy lives for both you and the retired lieutenant colonel. As far as your dogs go, I don't think you should discount the importance of taking care of them. There are far less noble causes to which people devote their lives than to the care of those -- animals included -- who are unable to care for themselves.

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