Sunday, July 5, 2015

My brief online flirtation with a male German submissive.

Bear with me, folks...  As Bill and I were walking around in Nagold today, I was suddenly reminded of a time about fifteen years ago.  I was in grad school and spending too much time online.  I had no sex life and few friends.  I had gotten my first computer and was in my sexual prime...

I was hanging out in chat rooms and writing short stories affiliated with a certain kinky Web site that is now defunct.  In fact, I met Bill in the chat room, though very few people were actually openly chatting about sex there.  Indeed, it seemed to be a gathering of smart but lonely people online who happened to have kinky proclivities and vivid imaginations.  Although I no longer frequent such places in cyberspace, those people probably helped me get through three years of grad school.  Some of them became like friends.

One guy I happened to meet in that chatroom was a German guy from Cologne.  He went by the name "howard", worked in IT, and was probably one of the... well... sissiest men I have ever "met".  Of course, I am only assuming that howard was a man.  I never saw pictures of him or spoke to him on the phone or anything.  I will just assume that he was a typical German man in every way, except for his extreme desire to be dominated by a woman.  He told me he had chosen the name "howard" because he had seen the movie Howard the Duck and loved it.  I, too, have seen that movie and even saw it in the theater when it was first released.  It's not something that would inspire me or even something I would brag about seeing.  Indeed, it was my dad who took me to see that movie and he said he thought it was stupid.  That was one of the few times we agreed on something.


"howard's" namesake...

For some reason, howard took a shine to me.  I tolerated him for awhile and was probably far too nice to him for too long.  He used to pester me all the time because he'd read my fiction and thought I was a Dominatrix.  I wasn't, of course.  Actually, if I were to say I was much more than a voyeur on kinky Web sites, I would say that my proclivities ran closer to submission.  However, I am really not a very submissive person, so while I would on occasion attract Dominant men, they would eventually tire of me refusing to call them Sir or Master and then move on to the next person.

It was a blessing when Bill and I met because we were pretty much in the same boat.  We were both a trifle kinky, a little lonely, and very curious, though certainly not kinky enough to live the lifestyle.  We were also both way too vanilla to engage in some of the stuff that went on in the chat room.  At the time, he was recovering from his split from his ex wife and leaving Mormonism and I was a virgin trying to go to grad school.  It was an interesting social outlet and a place for me to be creative and have people read and comment on my work.  And again, many of the people were nice, intelligent, and seemed surprisingly normal most of the time.

Anyway, howard used to send me private messages and try to get me to dominate him.  He would "top from the bottom", as they say.  Basically, he'd try to tell me what to do while also trying to be submissive.  And since I am not into dominating people, his ploys never worked.  He'd get frustrated and try to order me around and I'd laugh at him, which seemed to turn him on.  But then I wouldn't do what he really wanted me to do, which was verbally debase him and order him to do things.

One time, howard got very upset with me because I wouldn't give him what he wanted.  He contacted one of the owners of the kinky Web site, who happened to be an aging porn star.  She sent me a private message in an attempt to try to get me to be "nicer" to howard because he was so upset about my not indulging his submissive fantasies.  I didn't actually like or respect the porn star much; I had seen her be abusive to too many people.  I preferred her husband, at least at first, but he also turned out to be shitty.  Not that I was surprised about that... I was a little disappointed, though, the way I always am when someone's charm turns out to be fabricated.

For some reason, today as we were passing the freibad, I thought of howard and wondered if he would remember me.  I wondered what he would think if he knew I was living in his country now.  He really was a very kinky guy, though to me he was more annoying than scary.  It would be interesting to get to know him and find out more about his background.  I would love to know about his upbringing and whether or not that contributed to his desperate need to be dominated.

The chatroom and the accompanying Web site went away not long after Bill and I got married.  I think it was because it got harder to make porn in the USA, even though the site owners took pains to comply with all the rules.  Any stories had to feature characters over age 18, could not involve illegal drugs, and certain kink was off limits.  Aside from that, the free part of the site mostly consisted of user contributed stories written by amateur writers like me.  Some of the stuff posted there was surprisingly good.  If you know where to look, you can even find some of it still posted online.  If you wanted to pay, you could see the harder stuff, including films starring the bitchy aging porn star.  I wasn't in to that.  I just wanted to write my own stuff, read some of the better stuff, and chat with Bill and some of the other people I "met" there.

I do credit that site for bringing Bill and me together.  People were happy when we tied the knot.  We weren't the only ones who did, though I have a feeling our marriage has been of the more successful formed there.  I made one friend, another guy who was kind of like Bill and me, and he even sent us a wedding gift.  I lost touch with him, which makes me sad, because he was genuinely a nice person, intelligent, fun to talk to, and just as lonely and clueless as Bill and I (and a lot of other people) were.  I am no longer in touch with anyone I "knew" from those days.  I wonder how a few of them are.

Bill doesn't like me to write about this topic, so I will close here... Suffice to say, because of my experiences, I can't say that porn is always a bad or destructive thing.  I also can't say that I'd want to meet howard for coffee or beer.  But, for all I know, I could have passed him near the cathedral when we visited Cologne back in 2012.

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