Monday, May 18, 2015

Sometimes, I wish I were more of a lady... or, everybody's a critic!

I'm feeling a little sad and ashamed right now.  I probably shouldn't feel that way, but I do.  I shared something with a woman who used to be my accompanist in college and is now a music professor.  I thought what I shared was kind of funny, if not a bit irreverent.  She didn't appreciate it and told me so publicly.  I chose not to respond to her comment.  At first, I thought maybe I should apologize, but that seemed wrong since I would basically be apologizing for how she feels.  I can't help how she feels and had no way of knowing she would be offended.  And then, after thinking about it, I also realized that I'm also a little pissed off, so an apology from me right now would not be very sincere.

I have to admit, the public rebuke stings a bit because it's embarrassing and she is generally someone I like and respect.  On the other hand, it wasn't my intention to upset her and I didn't know this would be her reaction.  This is also not the first time she's shamed me for something I've said or done that she's found offensive.  I remember once when I was in college, I used the term "brain fart" in her presence.  She said she thought that was a disgusting thing to say.  Of course, I felt humiliated by her shaming comment, although I could see her point.  At least it was in a private studio, though, and only my voice professor had heard what she said.    

I have to admit to feeling chastened right now.  There is something about being shamed by an authority figure that has a way of making me feel like crap.  Twenty years ago, this situation might have even had me in tears.  Today, I can look at it a little more objectively and realize that I really can't help how other people feel.  Besides, when I knew this person offline, she wasn't even actually an authority figure to me, although her husband was one of my professors.  And today, she is definitely not an authority figure because I am twenty years past college.  If she weren't someone I knew from a teacher/student relationship (though she wasn't actually my teacher), I might have even fired back.  

Sometimes I wish I had a more ladylike and less irreverent sense of humor.  I wish I swore less and behaved in a way that was less potentially upsetting to other people.  My personality sometimes causes me pain because I just can't seem to help myself.  I say things that cause offense to others, yet I am so sensitive that their offense upsets me.  On the other hand, I also say things that make many people laugh.  They tell me so.

I suppose I could look at this in another way.  At least this person is authentic and isn't fake about how she feels.  After living in Germany for a year, I suppose I should be used to that.  At least she is comfortable enough with me to speak up, although oddly, I guess I can't really say the same thing.  I mean, I don't feel comfortable leaving a comment that I don't appreciate public shaming.  But then, it now occurs to me that we don't really have that kind of relationship and never did.  And that also makes me sad.  I miss having real friends.  Not that I don't have them, mind you.  It's just that they're not around me.  Like I have written before, sometimes Facebook can be disastrous because incompatible people end up mixing.  My liberal friends mix with my Christian friends.  I say something to someone that offends them, but wouldn't offend 90% of my other friends.

The Internet makes it very easy to connect with people, yet it makes it hard to connect with them in a way that is personal.  And so, at a time like this, when I'd like to talk through my feelings with someone, there's no one here.  I could talk about it online, but that seems wrong too.  So I'm blogging about it online, which maybe I shouldn't do... Or I could sit here and stew and let Bill deal with it when he comes home... which I definitely shouldn't do.

Oh hell... I'm almost 43 years old.  Why should I give a fuck about what other people think?  Most of them don't care what I think, right?  People feel free to tell me how they feel.  Why shouldn't I respond in kind?  So with that... it's 5:23pm.  Prost!





  1. The ultimate in lack of class is probably in pointing out someone else's lack of it in a public way.The nice thing about the Internet is that we can all ignore whatever doesn't suit us.

    Some people take themselves just a bit too seriously.

    1. Yes, I agree. Although even in agreeing, I realize that I am occasionally hypocritical. God knows I go off on people on my blog, though I usually try not to "out" people by name.


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