Saturday, March 21, 2015

I lost my virginity when I was 30 years old...

Apologies for the fact that this post is obviously going to be way too much information for some readers.  If you don't want to read about my first thirty years of celibacy, please move on to your next Internet pit stop.  Today's post is especially for Alexis, anyway.  I am writing it because she inspired me.  Today, she wrote about virginity and asked for insight.  Alexis is 20 years old, which puts her in prime sex years... for most people, anyway.  My experience is not like most people's experiences, though.

I didn't lose my virginity until two weeks after my wedding day.  I know I have mentioned this fact on my blog before.  I didn't intend to wait until I was married before I did the big deed.  I wasn't raised in a particularly religious family, nor am I really a prude.  I think I waited mainly because I rarely dated.  The guys I liked didn't usually return my affections.  The guys who liked me weren't my type.  And I didn't feel strongly enough about losing my virginity to just do it with some guy to get it over with.

I would by lying if I said I didn't feel a bit like a freak during those years.  All of my friends were fucking.  I wasn't, and it was kind of embarrassing to me.  I wondered if there was something "wrong" with me.

Let me just say this. Now I am very glad I waited.  Not because I'm religious or anything, but because waiting really simplified my life.  I never had to worry about sexually transmitted diseases or infections.  I never had a pregnancy scare.  I never had to worry if someone I was dating was only with me because I "put out".  When I finally did meet Bill, I was ready to have sex, but at the time, he was a practicing Mormon.  He wasn't LDS when he married his ex wife, but she was his first and only partner.  Bill wanted to wait until we were married before we had sex for the first time together.  I had already waited thirty years, so that was fine with me.

We planned to have sex on our wedding night, but we were staying in a B&B and I feared making a mess on the fancy sheets.  I also worried that it would hurt and we might make too much noise.  Further complicating matters was the fact that right after our ceremony, I started my period.  Bill neglected to eat much during our reception, so he had a headache and wasn't feeling up to deflowering me.

Besides, I wanted to have sex for the first time in my own bed, on my own sheets, and in my own room, even though we were living in an apartment with thin walls and there had been times when I heard my neighbors loudly fucking.  Sometimes, I could even hear them from the street as I passed their open windows.  In retrospect, maybe it would have been nicer to lose my virginity in a beautiful B&B instead of in our shitty apartment that reeked of our neighbor's marijuana.

I didn't enjoy having intercourse the first time.  It was painful for me.  I had a hard time relaxing and enjoying it, although much to my relief, there was no mess.  I think I was afraid there would be bleeding, but maybe all the years I rode horses and bikes caused me to lose my hymen years prior to my first sexual experience.

Fortunately, Bill is a very kind and patient lover and we eventually got the hang of things.  Sex became much more pleasant for me.  Because I waited, I can honestly say that my husband is the best lover I've ever had.  I have no one to compare him to because I never had sex with anyone else.  Given that Bill and I adore each other, that's a great thing to have in our relationship.

I also know that I'm the best lover Bill has ever had.  His ex was more willing to do exotic stuff than I am, but she was also much more likely to freak out while they were mid coitus.  He once told me about how one time they were having sex, and she suddenly got very cold and told him to hurry up and finish.  That did a number on his self-esteem and made him feel really guilty.  She acted as if he was raping her, when she had initiated the session in the first place.

I once wrote about this subject on Associated Content.  It was a very well-read article and I ended up making some money on it.  Got tons of hits and lots of comments.  One lady said she thought I had "issues" because of the number of times I wrote sex in my article.  A man said that sex is one of life's best pleasures.  I think it's funny how we tend to psychoanalyze people we don't even know.  I do it myself all the time.

Maybe I do have some "issues" or "hang ups" when it comes to sex.  I have always been interested in it.  I've done lots of reading on the subject.  I used to read Nancy Friday's books about sexual fantasies compulsively.  I did have a few run ins with a garden variety pedophile when I was growing up.  He was our neighbor and also attended the same church we did.  Fortunately, he never touched me in a sexual way.  He just exposed me to porn and said inappropriate things to me.  I didn't even realize what he'd done until years later, when I was in therapy and my shrinks informed me that what had happened to me constituted sexual abuse.

I suppose it's possible that experience, and others with neighborhood boys who played too rough, made me afraid to have sex.  Or maybe I was just too shy, though most people who know me casually would never call me shy.  I tend to be funny as a defense mechanism.  The truth is, I was kind of frigid when I was younger... and maybe I still am now.

I don't think it's wrong for people to have premarital sex.  Marriage isn't for everyone.  I don't think people who don't want to get married should be expected to be celibate forever.  In my case, though, I am glad I waited for marriage.  It wasn't my plan to wait and had I met someone I had wanted to have sex with before I met Bill, I probably would have.  If Bill had wanted to have sex while we lived together during the six months before we got married, I would have.  But I'm glad it worked out the way it did for me.  I definitely don't miss the other guys I could have had sex with and didn't.  And I am really glad I don't have children with some guy I can't stand.  Having seen Bill's experiences with his ex, I am very grateful I don't have any.

I do think people should be very choosey about their sexual partners.  It may be a lot of fun to have a roll in the sack, but sex can really fuck up your life if you aren't careful.  You can end up with diseases from having sex with someone else.  Most diseases can be treated and cured, but some will stay with you forever, like luggage.  And then, there is the issue of pregnancy.  Even the best birth control can fail.  So my advice is not necessarily to wait until marriage before you have sex for the first time, but to be very smart and careful about it.  Don't just have sex for the sake of having sex.  And try not to feel weird for being an older virgin.  Even though I was very unusual for waiting as long as I did, I know there are people who are even older than I was before they lost their virginity... and some people even go to the grave having never done the deed.  It's not the end of the world.


  1. i don't really want to go to the grave having been celibate all my life, as what if it ended up being something really great for me> On the other hand, you give me hope that there is no rush. i think if i could absolutely have my way, my first time would be with my eventual husband, whether it waas before my wedding or not. If things could be exactly as i want them to be, I would get married at 25. i would be in my residency. Most likely. Whoever i met there wouldn't have a compelling reson her had to leave for the next couple of years, and after that we could decide together where to move. Life doesn't always work out as planned, though.

    1. You should do it when you feel right doing it. For you, that may be way younger than I was. I have absolutely no doubt that you won't die a virgin, though. You have so much going for you. I doubt you will be date challenged like I was. And I did end up with a great guy.

  2. The bottom line is that the age of first having sex doesn't have much to do with anything in the grands scheme of things. the object is to end up with a great guy.

    1. Absolutely. Although some might argue that you can have sex with a guy who is a complete asshole and still have an amazing time. Personally, I prefer to be with someone I trust and whom I know values me. And thanks to the way Bill and I met, it turns out we very compatible anyway.

      I'm not sorry I was a 30 year old virgin, except for the fact that I didn't end up getting to be a mother. But then, maybe I would have had kids with someone I can't stand. It's also possible that I wouldn't have been a mother anyway.

      Bill and I have an amazing life. I remain curious as to what our children might have been like, but I can't deny that we have a great life together. I shouldn't complain at all about it. And, as much as I hate his ex wife, I do have her to thank for being so horrible that nothing I do or don't do seems terrible in Bill's eyes. ;-)

  3. This is a helpful blog post for me. I have been feeling depressed all weekend that I am a 32-year-old virgin. I do feel like a bit of a freak.

    And, having left the Church just over a year ago, I haven't tackled the non-Mormon dating yet. Partly because I am afraid it will be just as terrible as the Mormon dating scene and partly because of the sex thing. I'm not necessarily waiting for marriage but I know casual sex is not for me. I want it to be with a great guy who wants to be with me and with whom I feel safe. Sometimes I worry it's too late. That I'm too old, no one will find me desirable now. It's highly distressing.

    So this post was somewhat reassuring. Maybe 32 isn't too old. Maybe I just need a different perspective.

    1. Hi Jamie Lyn! I'm glad my post was helpful to you. I think I can understand how you feel, but by now, you must know that you're not alone. My situation didn't necessarily involve abstaining from sex because of religion, but I do know from hanging around ex Mormons that being an especially mature virgin is not as uncommon as you might think.

      I don't blame you for being nervous about dating. I was never much of a dater myself. I found my husband on the Internet in a chat room. No, it wasn't a "dating site". We just happened to hit it off in an Internet chat room dedicated to an interest we have in common. We talked for a very long time before we met and by the time we came face to face, we already knew each other pretty well.

      Meeting Bill taught me that there are men who are just like you and me. They are looking for a good woman whom they can trust and feel safe with. It may not seem like they're out there, but I know they are. They just tend to be a lot quieter than the jerks are. ;-)


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