Sunday, October 5, 2014

People can be such shallow fucks sometimes...

Okay, now I am ready to write the blog post I wanted to write this morning before it became obvious that my iMac died last night.  Yesterday, I read an article on Huffington Post by Patrice Bendig, a woman who claims she tried online dating and no one ever messaged her back.  Ms. Bendig writes that she's an introvert, loves her cat, and is obsessed with her four year old niece.  Yes, her ad was kind of awkward, but I'm guessing that a lot of people didn't read it anyway, men being such "visual creatures" and all.  She's a normal looking woman.  In fact, I'd say she's attractive.  I've certainly seen much uglier women, including me at certain times of the month.

Now, apparently Ms. Bendig dares to have standards.  She writes in her article that the two guys who wrote to her "weren't her type".  The ones she matched with, she wrote to.  None wrote her back.  So then she dared to write an article about her experiences and out come the assholes who presume to tell her the apparently many reasons why she's not desirable.

A lot of men told her she needed to lose weight.  One guy said she should drop 75 pounds.  Another said she shouldn't post photos of herself in red while standing in front of a red backdrop because it's a "power color" and only she should be wearing a power color.  One person said she should wear a vee neck sweater and her hair down.  Another said she should stop looking for a man to "save" her and be happy alone.  And another said she should "lose the cat", or at least not refer to the kitty in her ad.

Other people said she was "whiney" and "clingy".  One person said she should be grateful she's not getting emails from married men.  One guy said that men have the deck stacked against them legally and women are "lucky" because they have so many legal protections (and for the record, I don't necessarily disagree).  Of course, it was my mistake to read the comments, because they always bring out the assholes.

I was so disturbed by what I read, that I decided to leave a comment.  I think dating sites are a bad idea.  I know many people have found partners on them.  I just don't like them because the people who are on dating sites are there for the express purpose of shopping for a mate.  There's a reason why these folks are on a dating site.  It could be that they are too shy to try to find people when they aren't online.  It could be that they've crapped in the water too much locally to find someone willing to go out with them.    

I left a comment because I've been in that woman's shoes, though I never resorted to online dating.  I was terminally dateless before I met Bill.  I met him online, but not on a dating site.  We met in a chatroom.  We got to know and like each other based on our chats.  Well... Bill also read some of my fiction and liked it.  It was 18 months of chatting before we met in person.  Before we met in person, we traded photos.  Neither of us lied about who we were or what we looked like.  The rest is history.  This year, we will celebrate 12 years of a happy marriage, despite everything we've been through.

I'm not thin.  I'm not particularly beautiful.  I can be funny, though a lot of people think I'm obnoxious.  I'm often lazy and cranky.  I have a good heart; I can dress myself; I'm healthy; and I'm not necessarily crazy.  Somehow, despite not being gorgeous and occasionally wearing red in front of red backdrops, I ended up with a wonderful husband.  I look at him and wonder how I got so lucky, especially when the Internet makes it seem like there are so many shallow people out there who only care about whether or not someone is "fuckable".

It makes me depressed, too.  Because it makes me think that if somehow Bill and I split up, I'll be destined to be alone.  Not that I'd really want to spend the rest of my life with some guy who expects me to drop 75 pounds or change the way I dress or wear my hair.  I understand that people, especially men, are visual, but as you get older, your looks will fade no matter what you do.  And if all you have is good looks, what happens next?  Won't you get bored if all you have is a good looking partner with nothing to back up the external?

I'm no Rosie O'Donnell fan, but this rant from the movie Beautiful Girls pretty much spells it all out...

Are men really only interested in arm candy that cooks and cleans?  Or even better, arm candy that cooks, cleans, and pays her own way?  The more time I spend on the Internet, the more it seems that way.  I still can't believe how lucky I am to have Bill.  

Anyway, I advised Ms. Bendig that she would do well to avoid dating sites.  Though she had mentioned trying to meet people offline through classes and whatnot, I wrote that I thought it made more sense to try being friends without any expectations.  You can meet someone in a chatroom like I did, but don't assume they're single or looking for anything.  But if you go on a dating site, you will be inspected like a pound of sirloin and people will expect you to be perfect.  If you don't measure up, they'll pass you over for a different cut.  Dating sites are expressly for people who need them... and they are for people shopping for a mate.  What do you do when you shop?  You compare one product for another.  It's hard to do that with human beings.  Ms. Bendig even admits that she does it herself, though, and dares to post a "bucket list" of what she's looking for in a person.  

I'm sure this article was a project just for this writing assignment.  Frankly, I can't see why people wouldn't like Patrice.  I think she's pretty and intelligent and she probably deserves better than 90% of the males who deigned to tell her what's "wrong" with her.  Fuck them and the horses they rode in on.  I write this even though I don't think she's entirely innocent, either.  I mean, she does admit to "shopping" for the right man, right?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to thank Bill again for being a great guy.

For another Huffington Post article related to this subject, click here.  


  1. I think every person and situation is different. I was married for 13 years before my ex husband decided it was too much. In the state of Maryland, you have to be separated for 1 full year before you can even file for divorce. I made a lot of life changes once he told me he wanted a divorce. Most of them good. Months after we separated, I did go on a dating site (OK Cupid) because honestly, I just wanted to date and just date, for a while. I was hesitant to be sure. But one of my best friends had met her now husband through Match and I know she's super happy. I am not thin, not too crazy (yes, I had 4 cats at the time) but thought myself articulate, intelligent and funny to some degree. Some the guys on there, are assholes. Others, still trying to figure things out. Some you could tell just wanted sex and there were a few I had some really good conversations (messaging and email) with. I went on several 1st dates. Went on a couple 2nd and 3rd dates with 1 gentleman. I do count myself lucky that I met someone who I fit with. I've been dating him ever since. It's been over a year now and I hope that it continues on. I don't know if I ever want to get married again but I do know that I could see me spending my life with him.

    It's hard to say, because when I was younger I could not imagine myself in that position, let alone on a dating site. I just thought, I don't know, life would work out better. I think it's working out better now though :) Divorce is a rough road for many and it was helpful knowing others were dealing with a lot of the same emotions and issues and I'm sure you're not supposed to talk about your Ex or divorce or whatever, but on dating sites you do.

    I think you will find assholes (male and female) no matter the place or dating site or class. And sometimes we find ourselves in positions we never thought either.

    It's all about focusing on yourself and making sure you're in a good place or at least on the right path towards that, it helps in finding the right people to be in your life. And taking care of those that depend on you. I've always had an open mind about most things (I can't seem to get over mustard, won't eat it on anything) and it's true, a lot of times we have to learn to adjust to the new normal. Change isn't bad, but it isn't always pleasant either...though in my case things have taken a much better turn in my life :)

    1. Hi Faery Chaos. Thanks for the thoughtful comment. I'm glad to hear it worked out for you. I have to admit, my post was mainly based on the horrible comments people left that woman. Some were decent, but a lot of them were really offensive.

      And you're right, of course, that assholes are everywhere... including that chat room where I met my husband. I ran into a couple of them before I really got to know him (he was leaving his ex wife at the time, who was also hanging out in chat rooms-- she met #3 playing Dungeons & Dragons online).

      But you're right... potential mates are everywhere and maybe it's wrong to completely discount dating sites. On the other hand, I still think too many people are shallow fucks. :D

      I like mustard... it's mushrooms I can't abide.

  2. I agree with you, there are way too many shallow fucks out there. Sometimes it really makes you wonder how people have continued to reproduce!

    I love mushrooms :) No baby corn for me either though!


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