Monday, April 7, 2014

Not my circus. Not my monkeys… another boring post about Bill's ex wife

This post is a bit profane and personal.  Skip it if you're sensitive to swearing.  I have to write some of this stuff down as a means of processing it.

For the umpteenth time in our marriage, Bill and I were discussing the craziness that is his ex wife.  Once again, we talked about April 2006, the month when it all really went to shit.  At the time, Bill had been fighting to maintain a relationship with his kids for several years.  But it was looking like the fight was going to be futile and he was starting to back off.

Then it happened…  Ex stepson A called during the afternoon.  He was 18 years old and had decided to leave home.  He wanted to live in a major Midwestern city.  He had told his mother and sisters and was reaching out to Bill…  At the time, Bill was heartened that the young man wanted to talk to him again.  But really, it turns out that he just wanted Bill's continued financial support.  He was calling to make sure he still had it.

Bill's ex wife called next.  It was the first and only time she ever called our home.  I answered the phone and passed it to Bill.  She basically called to get Bill to talk "sense" into A.  She just wanted him to agree with her.  Bill refused, which pissed her off.  Suddenly, we were engaged in a big fucking drama from thousands of miles away.

Ex somehow involved me in this fiasco even though I had nothing to do with it.  Bill had asked her what she wasn't telling him about his daughters.  Ex panicked and sent him a long email with stuff in it about how Bill was a bad father and the kids hated me, even though they have only met me once and had a blast when they did spend time with me.  I come to this conclusion because I witnessed it… and I later heard from my in laws about how they were excited to meet me and had fun at our crappy apartment, even though younger ex daughter slapped Bill for having beer in the fridge.

Ex had told Bill that the kids didn't like me and she implored him not to tell me… to "spare my feelings".  Bill, of course, did tell me about it.  I don't think I read her whole email.  In fact, I generally didn't read all of her emails because they made my blood boil and they weren't really about me anyway.  But this time, I decided I would respond to her.  I sent a long letter and totally tore her a new one, combating her non-sensical bullshit with logic.  One point that I made was that her kids have a perfect right to feel any way they want to about me.  But that right goes both ways.  One cruel truth about life is that if you put out nastiness, it will likely be reflected back to you.  Besides, I knew what ex was claiming was utter bullshit, designed to be hurtful and cruel to Bill and me.

It felt good to blast her.  She totally deserved it.  And ultimately, it was a good thing to do, despite the drama that later ensued.  She stopped bugging us at last.  But I have been pissed about it for years and I think it's because what she did was such an invasion of our peace.  Here we were, miles away from her.  It wasn't enough that she got Bill's daughters to reject him.  She had to bring her household drama into our house.  It was very clear that those kids didn't think of Bill as anything more than a wallet.  She didn't care what Bill thought.  She just wanted him to parrot her party line.  When he refused, she decided to rain her wrath on him.  It spilled over on me by proxy.

Ex didn't like the letter I sent.  She went whining to Bill's stepmother, who then chastised Bill and told him to get me to back off.  Actually, I think her words were that I didn't need to be getting involved in their business.  Had she talked to me about it, I would have said that as Bill's stepmother, this situation was even less her business than it was mine.  Besides, that bitch specifically called me out in her email (about how I didn't attend Christmas and how her kids hate me).  I think it certainly WAS within my rights to set her ass straight.  What normal woman would want his husband's ex wife demanding that he keep secrets from her, his current wife?  She needed to know that shit wouldn't fly with me.  ;-)

But instead of talking to me woman to woman, she chose to bitch to Bill's stepmom… and didn't bother to give her the whole story.  So Bill did and then stepmom got pissed at the ex, because it was soon very clear that she hadn't given her the whole story.  Indeed, Ex soon sent Bill adoption papers which arrived right around the time of Bill's birthday.  All I have to say is that that bitch and her devil spawn better stay far away from me.  She deserves a good cunt punt for putting Bill, his family, and their kids through that bullshit.  And at this point, while I empathize with the fact that those kids have been manipulated, lied to, and deprived of their family, I also think they are as toxic as their mother is and I don't want to have anything to do with them.  I think I am within my rights to feel this way, since they are legal adults who apparently lack any critical thinking skills whatsoever.  

There's a meme going around Facebook right now.  It says, "Not my circus.  Not my monkeys."  Yes, that's about how I feel.  I don't deserve the shit from Bill's ex and the ex kids.  They are welcome to hate me if they want to.  As far as I'm concerned… back at 'em.  But I think I realize now why this incident still makes my blood boil.  It's because I tried not to get involved with Ex, other than to listen to Bill and express my opinion to him.  She wasn't content with that and decided to infect our household with her stupid bullshit drama that she created.

At least I don't care about this as much as I used to.  And I know some people would tell me to let it go.  I think the reason I can't is because it feels like abuse.  I felt like she was trying to tell me that her effect on my life was none of my business and I was expected to put up with her stupid crap because she birthed two kids with Bill.  She was trying to demand deference from me, yet didn't show me one iota of respect or courtesy.  And in the meantime, I got to put up with the way people tend to view stepmothers and second wives.  To be frank, I also know that I way outclass that bitch anyway, in so many ways.  It is at a point at which I feel bitter hatred for her.  There is no one on the planet I feel this way about, except for her.  I don't even feel this way about the man who sexually abused me when I was growing up.  That's saying something.

I feel closer in getting past this, though…  I just have to repeat the mantra...

Barring that, Gerbil mantras work too...


  1. She's certainly a piece of work.

    I suspect the time will come when you will care less than you presently do, but only you can know when that time comes, and pretending you've moved past it when you haven't would be counterproductive.

    I'm not sure Bill can ever totally move past it, though you would certainly have a better handle on that than would a stranger. He was robbed of his own flesh and blood. Even if they are toxic now, he may always mourn the children that they were before the break.

  2. She is truly the most toxic person I've ever met. I remember when Bill and I were dating, he told me his ex wife could rip me to shreds. That turned out to be untrue. In fact, it was kind of the opposite. The secret is not caring about her feelings. Bill cares about everyone's feelings so he was vulnerable to her manipulative tactics. I, on the other hand, have no bond to anyone who cares how I treat her. So I was totally free to be a bitch to her. She leaves us alone because she can't deal with that.

    The time has already come, really. As the years pass, the matters less and less. I think what keeps me somewhat anxious is that I suspect this situation will come home to roost and the drama will begin anew. I could be wrong, but Ex has a long history of reappearing in peoples' lives when she thinks she can.

    Bill is also better. What his ex wife and ex kids did to him was more hurtful than anyone can ever know. But he knows that he really dodged a bullet. He could have stayed with her and then have to deal with all their crazy bullshit.

  3. As it stands now, he only has to put up with MY crazy bullshit, which is much less than hers is.

  4. Crazy bullshit is definitely relative.


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