Sunday, March 16, 2014

It's amazing what you can learn when you hang out with a sailor...

Today's post is not for those with delicate sensibilities...

Last night, Bill and I visited Blue Star Brewing Company in San Antonio.  We were joined by another couple, the male half of which worked with Bill in Germany.  This couple turned out to be a lot of fun to hang out with.  They were kind of like us, only they are a Navy couple.

After a couple of hours of drinking beer and eating dinner, the subject of farts came up.  The reason it came up was because Bill and his Navy buddy were talking about another guy they used to work with who was abnormally tense and uptight about things like farts.  Somehow, the Navy guy was talking to the uptight guy about Dutch ovens.

You know what a Dutch oven is, right?  Basically, it entails being in bed with someone, farting, and then pulling the covers up over your loved one's head and trapping them there, smelling the fumes.  I first heard about this when I used to wait tables and a couple of my wait staff friends enlightened me to this phenomenon.

I later found out that Ernest Borgnine and Ethel Merman had a famously short marriage that was fraught with difficulties.  One such difficulty was Borgnine's alleged affection for the Dutch oven.

Anyway, our Navy friend was talking about how the uptight guy was horrified by the practice of putting loved ones in Dutch ovens and had said his wife wouldn't speak to him for a week if he ever tried such shenanigans with her.  Later, they were all at the gym, working out.  The uptight guy happened to be downwind when a guy walked past him and passed gas.  He said, "I just got tea bagged!"

The Navy guy was laughing as he explained how the uptight co-worker had no idea what tea bagging is.  He said, "What the guy had really experienced was 'crop dusting'."

I had never heard of crop dusting, but I have to admit to being amused by the concept.  Basically, it's when a person farts as they walk by and you catch it downwind.  Tea bagging, on the other hand, is something entirely different… and it's arguably much more disgusting.  That's the act of a man putting his ball sack in someone's mouth.  It's supposedly a "prank", but I think if I were a man considering putting such a vulnerable part of my body into someone's oral orifice with all its teeth, I'd want to be damned sure they consented!

And yes, I heartily enjoyed all of this conversation, which was pretty lowbrow.  I like talking about farts and watching videos like "The Farting Preacher" and all its sequels.


Robert Tilton is fucking nuts.

While I think the Pastor Gas videos are pretty hilarious, I am more fascinated by Robert Tilton the man.  I'd happily read a book about him.  Actually, I think a lot of televangelists are fascinating.  But Robert Tilton kind of takes the cake, with his crazed expressions and pleas for cash.


He's basically a joke.

Anyway, I've heard the jokes about sailors and the things they say.  I won't say that things got too crazy last night, but I am proud to have learned yet another slang term that I'd never heard of before.  I had a great time hanging out with the Navy couple.  Hope we can do it again someday!  And hey, since it's Sunday, it's only natural that I'd tie that in with televangelists.  Wonder if Joel Osteen is on yet...

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