Thursday, November 28, 2013

Grateful that I'm not a proctologist...

The money is great, but the hours stink!

George Carlin's "People I Can Do Without…"  One of them is a proctologist with "poor depth perception"…  I woke up this morning feeling a little silly.  There's nothing like a little George Carlin to make one laugh first thing in the morning.  I've been a fan since the early 80s.

Thanksgiving is historically my favorite holiday.  That's mostly because I have always loved visiting my Granny's house in Virginia.  It's in Natural Bridge, which is a beautiful area.  I have a large extended family who are mostly fun to be with… or at least they were when I was little.  As I got older, I started to see everyone more realistically.  It sort of took the magic out of our Thanksgiving reunions.

But I will say that Thanksgiving 2001 was pretty special.  It was that year that I invited Bill and his mom to Granny's and we realized we had fallen in love.  People in my family could easily see it and were not surprised when a couple of months later, I announced our engagement.  Twelve years later, we're still in love, though they don't know the whole story about how we came together.  I never told most of them because frankly, it's kind of an embarrassing and ridiculous story.

I actually met Bill around Thanksgiving 1999.  It was online, of course, and at the time I had no idea that I was meeting the man I would one day marry.  Given that we met in a chat room for a now defunct porn site, at the time I was especially sure we'd never meet.  I worried about my safety and I'm sure he worried about his.  We were both celibate, curious, horny and lonely.  In my case, I had just started grad school.  He had just separated from his ex wife and was back in the Army full time.  I guess one night, we were feeling kinky and went to the same place, then wandered into the chat room, where absolutely no one was chatting openly about sex.  It turned out that chatroom was full of mostly normal people with vivid imaginations.  They were mostly intelligent folks, though there were a few who were much more into it than we were.  I ran into one guy who asked me to quit grad school, move to Michigan, and join his "harem"… and then pay him rent for the privilege.  No thanks.

That site really only served as a conduit to our meeting… and it ended up being fortuitous that we met there, since it turns out we're very sexually compatible.  The same types of things interest us and we're both pretty contented with about the same level of sexual activity… which isn't too much, really.  One nice thing about meeting where we did is that the potentially embarrassing and complicated subjects of sex and "turn ons" are already on the table.  We went ugly early, so we never had to have any awkward conversations about sex.  We're lucky, because we were both very honest with each other and, while we were both curious about flavorful sex, we're both basically pretty vanilla people.  It didn't take long before we started chatting with each other on another platform, though our kinky friends were delighted when we announced our engagement.  You'd be surprised how many couples meet the way we did, though I don't know how successful they've been.

Over the years, we've had our share of drama… though not really with each other.  I can honestly say, I met the nicest guy in the most unlikely place, ever.  Would I do it again?  I don't know.  It's one of those situations that makes me wonder if this was just meant to be.  Would I have met Bill if I hadn't been messing around in a place where "nice people" shouldn't be hanging out?  And knowing what I now know about Mormonism, would I have even given Bill a chance?

Here's what's funny.  A lot of times, people say you should meet a life partner in church.  I guess that makes sense if you are religious.  It's probably easier and best if you marry someone who shares the same religious convictions you do.  When I met Bill, he was an active LDS convert who still went to church, wore the garments, and abstained from coffee, tea, and booze … but he was hanging out in a place where Mormons are definitely NOT supposed to hang out.  His ex found out and claimed he was a violent porn addict who "hates women".  I have now been married to Bill longer than she was and I can say that he is a very kind, gentle, loving person.  He was looking at porn because his marriage was dead… and his ex was playing Dungeons & Dragons with #3.  A healthy guy in his 30s in a miserable marriage was looking for release… and relief… and company.  Despite where we met, Bill never once made any romantic overtures to me while he was married, which is more than I can say about his ex, who shacked up with #3 in the house Bill paid for before their divorce, then robbed him of raising his daughters.

Ex and her husband are supposedly very religious.  So are my husband's two daughters.  Are they happy?  I don't know.  But I can say that despite all my bitching and complaining, I am basically very happy.  I am very grateful that I have Bill in my life.  I am very grateful that his ex wife decided he wasn't good enough for her and dumped him.  Her "trash" was definitely my treasure.  I guess I could say that I'm grateful to porn for bringing us together, though it probably wouldn't be wise to say that at the grace before Thanksgiving dinner.

I have read countless accounts of people who met in church.  A lot of the accounts I have read recently come from former Mormons, who were pressured to marry when they were very young and not ready to take on the commitments of marriage and family.  It turned out that in many cases, these people didn't know each other that well.  They hadn't had time to do much living on their own; hadn't finished college; hadn't learned how to be individuals and self-reliant.  They got married and started having a bunch of kids…  Sometimes, it worked out.  Many times, it didn't, and there was either a miserable marriage to contend with or a divorce.  Or… in some cases, murder.  The truth is, churchgoing people can be creeps, too.  And because they are in church instead of at home surfing on a porn site, their true natures may be masked somewhat.  You would be on your guard on a porn site.  Maybe you wouldn't be so guarded at church.  You'd be inclined to trust your brother or sister in religion, right?

If you are at church, you are dressed up, on your best behavior, and you give someone the chance to check you out in person.  If you are at home on your computer, you may be in a state of undress with unbrushed hair and unbrushed teeth.  But the person on the other side of the screen doesn't see you unless you turn on a web cam.  If there's something there, you can take time getting to know each other before you ever lay eyes on each other.  I chatted with Bill for about 18 months before I saw him in the flesh.  We talked about everything and found out that we liked each other's company.  Most people don't wait as long as we did to meet.  I'm glad we waited, though.  We really get along and our attraction to each other is not based on the physical, although it turned out that we liked each other physically, too.

I've never told my parents exactly where and how I met Bill…  but does it matter?  We have chemistry!

Anyway, this Thanksgiving, I am delighted that I'm not a proctologist.  I am, frankly, delighted that I'm not a social worker who is doing child welfare work.  And I am very grateful I was chatting in a chatroom on a porn site at around Thanksgiving 14 years ago…  That's where I met the one person in my life I am most thankful for.

Hope you all have a nice Thanksgiving!


  1. Interesting meet-up story!

    church membership and genuine goodness do not necessarily have anything to do with one another, as you well know.

    My dad loves George Carlin.

    When I was in eighth grade, my school band was in a parade in [I think; it's been a long time] Rocklin, CA, on the edge of the foothills east of Sacramento. After our band finished the parade route, we were supposed to amuse ourselves. A couple of friends and I wound up in a Goodwill store. There was a book section, which I naturally gravitated toward, when I came upon a priceless discovery that only cost me fifty cents. It was a medical textbook, circa 1940's, entitled THE ESSENTIALS OF PROCTOLOGY, complete with illustrations. Naturally I couldn't pass it up. On the trip home, the band director must have been at least a little curious as to what the entire bus found so amusing in a book, but he never bothered to investigate. I need to blog about my most amazing find in that Goodwill store. I'd forgotten all about the incident. Thanks.

    1. I look forward to reading your thoughts on proctology.

      You said, "church membership and genuine goodness do not necessarily have anything to do with one another, as you well know."

      To that, I add that a casual interest in porn does not make someone a bad or dangerous person.

  2. Our culture has demonized everything that is in any way connected to sex.


Comments on older posts will be moderated until further notice.