Thursday, October 24, 2013

This has been a rough month...

October is almost over and the weather has finally gotten really nice here in the San Antonio area.  The sun is shining a lot and the temperatures have become very pleasant.  And yet, last night before I fell asleep, I was feeling anxious and worried about the future.  I know worrying is probably a waste of time and energy.  I get caught up in thoughts about how my life is going and worry about how it's going to go.  It's really pointless and ultimately self-defeating.

This month, I got a dental crown and a denial from my dental insurance carrier.  I got an insulting and threatening letter from the property managers who take our rent along with an unexpected bill.  I finally dumped my "best friend" of 33 years, who wasn't really a friend after all.  All the while, Bill's retirement looms in the near future, which worries me.  I think he will find a good job, but I worry that it won't be easy and there will be a lot of stress and uncertainty.  And I worry that if I had to, I wouldn't be able to find a decent job either.

I never planned to be a housewife.  You don't go to college for seven years to keep house.  I figured I'd be a spinster when I hadn't gotten laid before I turned 30.  Bill came into my life and that has been an overwhelmingly positive thing.  He has allowed me to do what I love, though it's hard to make enough money to live on doing what I do.  I probably could make more money if I tried harder and started doing things like writing grant proposals.  I just feel like I've been out of the loop forever.

Texas has been a mixed bag.  I was really pissed off the other day and I will admit that I am not a particularly laid back person about a lot of things.  But really, Texas has its positives... I'm going through yet another rough patch and my rough patch is not really all that rough.  I have dealt with worse.  I think that's the problem.  I dread dealing with worse again.  It's taken a long time to get to the point at which I don't feel depressed all the time.

Most people who know me superficially would never know that I have a tendency to get depressed.  I tend to crack jokes a lot and I laugh often.  But really, it's a defense mechanism.  Under all the jokes is someone who is insecure and feels easily defeated.  I learned to overcome that by getting angry and going off.  I wish I had been less pissed when I called the property managers.  It might have been better to send them an email or a letter rather than call them.  I tend to express myself more calmly in writing.  On the other hand, as annoyed as I was the other day, I'm sure the property managers have heard much worse from other tenants.  Still, I don't enjoy yelling at people, even though sometimes they deserve it.

I hate feeling over the hill at age 41, but the truth is, when I was 21 I felt like it was a mistake that I was born.  I felt like a misfit.  It wasn't until I was older that I started to feel more comfortable in my own skin and more assertive instead of aggressive.  But the fear that I will go back to the place I came from lingers and sometimes that makes me feel anxious and depressed.  I should learn to do what the Mormons do...

I feel too much sometimes and it takes me to dark places.  On the other hand, the property manager is finally sending someone over to check out our garage door.  Maybe it will get fixed, now that I've lost my temper.  Not holding my breath, though...

At least we have nine months to plan the next move, right?


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