Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Bill is off to Miami...

I hate it when he goes TDY.  I miss him when he's gone, even though this time it's only for three nights.  What makes things worse is the crown preparation I have to endure tomorrow.  I'm actually looking forward to it because once it's done, my teeth might stop annoying me.  Or maybe not.

The first time I got a crown, it never did fit perfectly and I put up with it for five years before it was replaced because the margins allowed decay to formulate.  On the other hand, the idea of my tooth falling apart suddenly gives me the heebie jeebies... so does the idea of enduring an excruciating toothache in the wee hours of the morning on a weekend.  So I'm going to get this fixed before it becomes an emergency.

What's worse is that I fear the tooth in the same position on the other side of my mouth might also need a crown very soon.  It's started bugging me, too.  In any case, I don't think it'll be long before the dentist wants to cover it with a cap.  When you hit your 40s, if you have a bunch of fillings like I do, they start to fall apart.  I think back to my mom, being very fatigued with the job of motherhood by the time I came along, not really paying much attention to taking care of my teeth...  I remember being a little kid and not brushing for a long time because I didn't realize why it was necessary and my mom never checked.  I rue those days now.  Oh well.  Things could be worse.  At least now, we have the ability to pay for the dental work.  We didn't really the last time I got crowned.

So tomorrow, I guess I'll wash the sheets so they'll be nice and crisp when I get home from the dentist.  I'll probably want to go to bed early doped up with lots of Advil PM and Tylenol.

Now, on to another subject.  The other day, Dr. Tara Palmatier, aka the Shrink4Men, posted on Facebook an article written by the popular blogger Single Dad Laughing, Dan.  A couple of years ago, Dan wrote a post called "Real Dads Don't Leave".  Dr. Tara linked it and invited a bunch of her readers to revisit it, even though it was written in 2011.  Dan's article, while full of truisms about so-called "deadbeat dads" who opt out of their kids' lives, was not empathetic to people like Bill, whose ex-wife used their kids to punish him.  There are lots of people out there in that situation and many of them took Dan to task, inflaming his article anew.

Apparently, Dan then thought better of his position against Dads who "leave" and posted an article toward mothers who push their children's fathers out the door.  In all honesty, while I appreciated Dan's attempt to address people who "push daddy out the door", I don't think he really gets it.  The article is basically a bunch of rhetorical questions posed to "mom", who bitches about her ex abandoning her.  The article presupposes that mom is overprotective and thinks dad is incompetent.  That might be true for a lot of moms out there.  It wasn't true for Bill's ex.  She had no problems letting him deal with the kids when they were married.  Granted, I wasn't there when Bill saw his kids daily, but I have talked to people who were there at that time.  Bill was a hands on dad.  When the relationship fell apart, that's when he became "incompetent" and "dangerous".  Dan didn't really address women like my husband's ex, who just plain uses her kids as weapons and tools to keep other adults in line.

I made the mistake of reading some of the comments, many of which were written by bitter women who took issue with Dan's holding them accountable on any level, even though I didn't think he came down as hard on them as he could have.  I understand that a lot of people are hurt when a relationship fails.  I'm just tired of the sexism surrounding this issue and people automatically assuming the man is always at fault.  Maybe it's the same way a lot of women feel when people automatically blame them for being victims of rape.  I also get tired of holier than thou women claiming that they're automatically good parents simply because they gave birth.  If it were true that only women who give birth can be decent parents, the adoption industry would be in serious trouble.  Simply owning a functioning uterus does not make someone a good parent.  Pregnancy and childbirth are no doubt life changing experiences, but they, in and of themselves, don't magically give someone parenting skills.  I think a lot of good parenting comes from common sense, compassion, and unselfishness, as well as healthy doses of courage, maturity, and being willing to discipline with fairness.            

I probably should stop reading about this stuff, since Bill's kids are adults.  We've managed to stay happily married for almost eleven years, which is longer than his first marriage lasted.  We still love each other and have managed to recover from the worst of ex's attempts to destroy Bill.  It took many long, hard years, though... and at the end of it, I'm sitting here looking at Bill and just feeling sad that he had to lose his daughters the way he did.  But life isn't fair and it's really now up to them to protect themselves.

Perhaps it would be better to focus on today's Epinion, which I wrote about Melissa Mohr's book about  the history of swearing...  The comments on that review ought to be a lot tamer.


  1. I don't know that you would wish to relive the situation to the degree it would be necessary to do this, but have you ever thought about co-authoring with the Lt. Col. (I hope your husband does not mind my referring to him as such; our family has many acquaintances, active and retired, with military service and titles, and my brother and I have always been expected to address them by their ranks [of course we call our ucles "Uncle whatever" and not Lt. Col.] just as we would address anyone else by their titles, Mr. Mrs. Dr., Father, Sister, Judge, Reverend, ect.; furthermore, I think it sounds cool) a book about his story so that other fathers might know they're not alone. It's easy for me to suggest, I know, because I didn't have to live through it, but you'd have a large readership even just through the ex-LDS angle, never mind the role of a father scorned. I do think it's a story people should hear, and the two of you do have the writing skills to tackled the writing aspect of the project unassisted.

    This is just a thought. Obviously you don't have to do something just beause some eighteen-year-old know-it-all suggested it.

    1. If you met Bill in person, he would tell you to call him Bill. Everybody does, except for those he outranks. They call him "Sir". Neither of us cares if you address him by his rank, though. It's kind of funny!

      As for the book, I don't know... I have done a lot of writing about this subject on this blog and elsewhere. It is a story that probably ought to be told, but of course, if you put it out there for the masses, you have to deal with the shitty fallout. I've already run into that on this blog more than once. It usually comes from apparently crazy women with "daddy issues" or "ex issues", though. And occasionally, I get it from people who hate all stepmoms because they are obviously homewrecking whores. /sarcasm

      We are not the only ones to go through this and there have been people who have written books... I don't know that our story is all that unusual, except that Bill's ex wife is certifiably nuts. I had never encountered anyone like her before I met Bill (thank God). Sadly, having read www.shrink4men.com, I see that there are a lot of nuts out there.


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