Monday, August 5, 2013

Hot showers and laundry...

Yesterday, Bill and I went to his mom's house for dinner, hot showers, and laundry... and so we could visit, of course.  Bill cooked a roast that he bought the other day and needed to use.  It turned out very nicely.  Mother-in-law and I sat around and talked and drank wine.  I actually can't believe how lucky I got in the mother-in-law department.  She's kind, respectful, and a true friend.  She doesn't meddle.  Of course, some may say that was a bad thing after what happened in Bill's first marriage.  But mother-in-law wisely realized that it probably wouldn't serve her well to try to tell Bill what to do.  They have a good relationship that is not contentious at all.  Anyway, I really like her.

I ran the numbers yesterday on visiting my own mom and I just don't think Thanksgiving in Virginia is in the cards for us, financially speaking.  The cheapest tickets I could find would cost about $1400; that's if I bought them right now, which we're not really ready to do.  Granted, I spent $1700 and $1800 respectively to go to Scotland and Italy/Greece, but those trips were planned over a year in advance and I purchased the tickets many months before we flew anywhere.  Moreover, we had to pay for our house hunting trip last month, which was about $2000 or so.  And since we don't know what's going to happen with this floor mess in North Carolina and it looks like I need dental work, I don't think we can swing it.  That will disappoint my mom, but honestly, I really think she wants me to be at this gathering because someone's missing if I'm not there.  I know she loves me and I know she hopes there will be bonding, but I also think she knows that it's unlikely to go that smoothly.

We're supposed to get our gas today.  It's supposed to be an all day appointment, hooking up the gas.  Hopefully by tonight, we will at least be able to cook on the stove and take a hot shower.  That's progress of some sort.

My husband confessed to reading his younger daughter's blog last month.  He swore he was done checking up on her, but I guess curiosity won out.  He says her blog is strangely different now.  She's no longer using the really flowery, affected, archaic writing style that her mother tends to use and now seems a lot more "normal".  I'm guessing that she's not on a mission and is somehow making it work in Utah.  If that's true, good for her.  I truly do hope she is becoming more normal and evolving, now that she's out that controlling environment/private cult her mother runs.  I still don't trust her and am not sure I want to know her, which is okay, since she made it clear she doesn't want to know her father.  It's so sad for her because she has missed out on such a good person.

Speaking of missing out... my husband's daughters have really missed out on knowing their paternal grandmother.  This is all because their mother hates my husband's mom with a passion.  She was jealous of the relationship Bill and his mom have always had and resented the fact that Bill's mother was more loyal to her son than willing to be manipulated over the kids.  When Bill's ex wife called my mother-in-law at Christmas 1999 and told her her son hated women and was violent... and then encouraged her not to let him visit her over the holiday, mother-in-law listened for a couple of minutes.  Then she realized it was utter bullshit and got very angry.  She wisely encouraged Bill to get a divorce. Bill's divorce was probably the best thing that ever happened to him after he married his ex wife.

It's sad that the cost of that divorce was completely disconnecting from his kids.  But if the younger daughter is really becoming more "normal" and this isn't just an act, there could be hope for her yet.

Anyway, it's a blessing to have my mother-in-law around.  She's a lovely, generous, kind woman and I am very fortunate to have her in my life.  She also makes a mean batch of banana pudding.

Mother-in-law loving her granddogs.

Does this look like a man who hates women and has a propensity toward violence?  He's holding "Chef Bearnaise", a bear his mom gave him when he went to college.

This morning, Bill brought this to me and said, "Here's a paleo breakfast."  Yeah, he hates women and abuses them.  NOT.


  1. We're lucky in that we have many places to go for holidays but no place we're expected to be in order to make the family complete or whatever. My grandmother would love for us to do holidays there, but she knows how much my grandfather can't stand me, plus there's the issue of my refusal to be in the presence of the aunt and uncle who left me in the attic of a smoky house. My grandfather took sides in that. my grandmother told my aunt and uncle they were wrong and deserved what happened to them and that they should not blame me, but her policy is that everyone is invited for holidays and people who wish to avoid each other can make their choices. I think she's right I don't know that I could stand to be around the family as a group for long, anyway.

    Though everyone initially hated my mom because she's a Catholic, they all pretty much like her now. My grandma and my mom like each other, though they have little in common except music. my mom tries to fly to Utah in December to attend the major MoTab Christmas production with my grandma every year if she can.

    Your mother-in-law sounds delightful.

    I really hope that daughter #2 8wasn't she the more poisoned of the two daughters?) is making her way in a different direction from her mother's toxicity. I think there's something inherent in having biologically spawned someone, especially when you did raise the child several years. You can back away because you see it's the only solution, but you can't stop caring. It may be too late for either daughter and Bill ever to reconnect, especially if they're not willing to accept that just as their mother moved on, so did Bill, and you are now very much in the picture.

    Gordon Lightfoot wrote a song that was inspired by a similar situation at the time. Songwriters are often reluctant or even untruthful in discussing the true inspirations of their songs. Midway through the song, he decided it worked out better to turn it into a song about a love relationship ending, but my dad told me from inside sources that it was inspired by a rift with his daughter. Gordon's situation had a somewhat happy ending. I think they all ended fences. His daughter even listed him in her mom's obit.

    Anyway, the song was "I'm Not Supposed to Care," and the title probably sums up Bill's ambivalence in many ways. He fathered the girls, and he's a good man. He has to check things out periodically no matter what their psycho bitch mother made them do to him.

    1. I know... there is a side of me that has a lot of compassion for Bill's daughters. There's another side of me that is extremely angry with them. The logical side of me does war with the emotional side... and both sides seem to switch positions frequently. My logical side realizes that they were under the influence of their very toxic mother while my emotional side is profoundly hurt on both Bill's and my own behalf. Then the emotional side of me reminds me that my husband's daughters are human beings who once seemed to have a sweet side. And the logical side reminds me what their brother did and how they have behaved, not just toward Bill, but toward his family, who wanted nothing more than to love them. I'm sure it wasn't easy from their side, either... though they sure acted like they had no feelings or empathy. Anyway, someone has to stay out of the vortex. Bill will always love his daughters, but I don't have to and would probably be wise not to... at least not until they prove they are both deserving and seeking that from me.

      #2 has always seemed the most poisoned. On the other hand, she also seems to have the most intellect. In the past, she seemed an awful lot like a much smarter version of her mother, who is truly one of the most toxic people I have ever seen. There's a whole line of people in her past who now hate her guts because of the damage she's wrought.

      Despite what some people who read this blog think, Bill is a good man and would have been a wonderful father, had he been given a fair shake. I wish we could have had a child together, even though that would have drastically altered our admittedly hedonistic lifestyle.

  2. I think I want kids sometimes, too, but I also think I could seriously get into hedonism. Maybe my brother could marry a baby factory, and I could be the doting aunt who spoils the offspring rotten, hands them back to their parents, then goes on about my hedonistic lifestyle.

    1. There' s something to be said for that. I think of all her kids, my mom figured I'd be the mom. But me and my spinster sis are the two that haven't reproduced. Sometimes I'm a little bitter about the circumstances that prevented me from having kids... but then I realize that it was good that Bill got snipped. If he hadn't, there would be at least one more estranged kid in the mix. Besides, I take comfort in knowing I am not the direct reason someone has baggage from childhood. The ex kids might think that about me, but the reality is, I have only met them once and never interfered with their relationship with Bill. If they had come over to visit us, I would have done my best. Honest.


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