Thursday, July 18, 2013

Cory Monteith's dad not invited to his cremation...

So I just read that Cory Monteith's father, Joe, was not invited to his son's cremation.  He wasn't told until after the cremation was done.  The article was short, but boy did it bring out a lot of angry comments.  Lots of people likened Joe Monteith to a sperm donor and made claims about how involved or uninvolved he was in his son's life.  I have to wonder how these people know the actual nature of the relationship between father and son.  I also never knew that people routinely attend cremations.  That seems really creepy to me, but whatever.

Naturally, that article struck a nerve in me, since I figure if either of my husband's daughters die, my husband won't be told and wouldn't be invited to the funeral.  But in all fairness, if my husband died, I would not want his kids at his funeral.  I'm not sure how I'd react, though, if they wanted to show up.  I imagine if it happened now, I'd probably be too shocked to say much.  I know I won't be calling them, though.

There really are a lot of people out there who are hurting because of divorce.  A lot of people probably did have parents who just checked out... and a lot of people are in situations like my husband's, in which an ex spouse has told lies.  There's no way to tell what the situation is in Cory Monteith's case, though I have to wonder how and why he got into drugs.  From what I read, it was a problem before he was a star, but I could be mistaken about that.

There was one woman who commented on that held Cory's mom accountable for making a poor choice when she got with Cory's dad.  Personally, I'm kind of in that camp of people.  I think people should be a lot more careful about with whom they share their DNA.  I didn't have sex until two weeks after I got married.  In making that decision, I pretty much forfeited my chances at becoming a mother without medical assistance, since Bill got snipped while he was with his ex (because pregnancy was too "hard" for her-- but not hard enough for her to have two more kids with #3).  Looking back on it, I think I made a responsible decision.  I know it's not one most people make... and I didn't make that choice for moral reasons.  It's kind of just how it worked out.

Anyway, I don't have kids.  My husband has previously loving two daughters who now think he's a sperm donor because of what they've been told.  He also has an ex stepson who used to call him dad until the gravy train stopped.  I imagine they could be making comments about Bill, describing him as a sperm donor even though he did call, write, send birthday and Christmas presents, and try to visit.  He did pay plenty of child support.  He did want to see them and tried hard to make it happen.  They repaid him by refusing to answer his calls, sending back his letters, selling his gifts on eBay, and disowning him.  They did these things, I'm sure, because their mother encouraged them to.  I know his ex wife plays people against each other.  She gets them pissed toward one another without them even having spoken directly with each other.  But the end result is the same.  My husband's daughters are completely hateful and disrespectful toward their bio dad for no real reason.  Yes, he divorced their mother, but she initiated the divorce... and then later said she was "just kidding".

I have to say... I wouldn't want my husband's kids at his funeral.  I don't think I even want to hear from them.  I think I feel the same way a lot of those outraged women who hate their bio dads feel... only that's how I feel about my husband's grown daughters.  I'm furious with them.  When it comes down to it, I think I could deny them the right to pay their respects at their "sperm donor's" funeral.  If they couldn't respect him in life, why should they have the right to "pay their respects" when he dies?

But the truth is...  I don't know how I'd actually react in a situation like this.  I feel badly for Joe Monteith, though.  Even if he was an absentee father, he was still Cory's father.  And despite any bad blood between them, Joe gave Cory things that he can never deny just by sharing his sperm with Cory's mother.  Chances are good that if Cory's mother had gotten with another man, Cory wouldn't be who he was.  On the other hand, maybe he'd still be alive today.  Maybe he wouldn't have become a drug addict.  Who knows?



  1. You just never know what has gone on in any given situation in a family. My family is 10 kinds of dysfunctional and several relationships have been severed by people (myself included) needing to protect themselves from the dysfunction.

    My feeling has always been that if you didn't love the person in life, no reason to pretend you did in death. Funerals are for the living to grieve and comfort one another, they really have nothing to do with the deceased as odd as that is to say. So, invite people who will be there for you in your grief and leave the rest out.

    1. Yeah... I think I agree with you, Lawfrog. I think it's disrespectful to attend a funeral if you didn't like the deceased. And I think it's best not to invite people just because they are blood.

      My husband loves his daughters, despite everything. If anything ever happened to him before they reconciled, I might be swayed because he loves them. But he also understands why I feel the way I do and doesn't begrudge me for it.

      Occasionally, I get comments from angry children of divorce. Believe me, I understand they are in pain. But sometimes I wonder if they have the whole story. My husband's kids don't have the whole story. Part of me feels sorry for them. They missed out on such a wonderful guy. Even as angry as I am at them, I am sorry that they missed out on their dad. They would have loved him, given the chance. I know I do.


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