Friday, March 22, 2013

You don't know me! You don't know ANYTHING about me!!

About twenty years ago, when I was still in college, I had a very good male friend that I hung out with all the time.  Our friendship continues today and it's always been strictly platonic.  But in college, we were always together... and we often ended up in some very strange situations.

One day, we decided to go to Rose's for some reason.  My friend had a car and I didn't, so he drove.  We were talking on the way to the store and he told me about a mutual friend who had confessed to him that she'd had sex with some guy she didn't know very well.  My friend said in disgust, "You're a ho!"

For some reason, the way my friend related the story and called our friend a "ho" was funny to me.  I started cracking up.  As we got out of the car, I blurted out, "You're a ho!"

Suddenly, I heard a female voice shrieking.  "Why don't you just SHUT UP?  You don't know me!  You don't know ANYTHING about me!"

My friend and I looked at each other, then noticed a woman standing nearby looking very upset.  We hadn't even seen her, so we weren't talking about her.  We didn't know her from Adam.  But I guess she related to what we were talking about to the point that she needed to set us straight.

My friend was all worried.  He said, "Oh my God, she's gonna slash my tires!"

A few weeks later, we decided to go to WalMart.  This was back when I still shopped at WalMart.  I haven't actually set foot in one in over ten years.  We wanted to go there to go pick up some stuff.  As we were about to leave campus, we saw a very annoying guy who had narcolepsy.  Apparently, he had been hit by a car and suffered brain damage, which caused him to fall asleep in the middle of conversations.

Back then, we thought he was a very strange and needy person who was always trying to bum rides off of people and would bang on their dormitory doors in the middle of the night... or he would stand in the middle of the hall and yell for people.  One time, he woke my friend up out of a dead sleep and demanded the use of his bathroom as well as a couple of rolls of toilet paper.  Another time, he fumbled with my friend's Nintendo Game Boy and ended up tossing it aside, saying "This game is pussy!" in disgust.

Yes, he was a student at our college.  He probably had no business being in college, but what do I know?  All I know is that he was very annoying to us back then.  This guy would run constantly and drink Diet Coke; otherwise, he would fall asleep.

Anyway, we were on our way to WalMart and this guy came running up to us.  My friend almost hit him with his car.  Then when we got to WalMart, we ran into him.  He had taken the F.A.R.T. (Farmville Area Rapid Transit) and, upon seeing us, tried to bum a ride back to campus.  Maybe we should have given him a ride, but neither of us were in the mood to deal with him.  I don't remember what we told him, other than we made a hasty retreat from the store.

As we were driving out of the parking lot, my friend looked out the rearview mirror and noticed this guy running at full speed behind us, yelling at the top of his lungs.  My friend said, "Oh my God!  He's keeping up with us!"  He hit the gas and we peeled out of there.

We got back to campus, and by the time we found a parking spot, the dude was back, having taken the F.A.R.T. again.  He ran into us again as we headed back to our dorm.  Confronting us angrily, he shouted "Why didn't you stop for me?!"  Of course we felt very sheepish at the time.  My friend and I don't take pleasure in being mean to people.  But we also don't take pleasure in being annoyed.

Farmville was an odd town... and a weird place to go to college.  I'm glad I was there, though, because I left that place with so many stories and memories...  I could write a book.



  1. IDEA and Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act can land some strnage people in college with you. Where is Farmville?

    1. Farmville is in south central Virginia. It's about 65 miles west of Richmond and 50 miles east of Lynchburg. I am a graduate of Longwood College (now University).


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