Forgive me, folks. I am just stuck on Christmas 2004, when my husband's crazy ex wife tried to force me to spend the holidays at my in-laws' house with her and her latest victim and all the kids she's had by three different daddies. It was a tacky move on her part. I had barely been married to her ex-husband for two years. I had met my in-laws three times and the kids once. She was hoping I would take the high road and stay in line in an effort to avoid alienating the kids and my husband's dad and stepmother. She was counting on my being civil.
In the end, I was very civil. I did not attend that gathering, because I did not think I would be able to keep a lid on my temper or a lock on my mouth. I was pissed off about the attempted ambush. And when I thought about it, I realized that no good could come from my being at that gathering. I was feeling hostile and I knew the ex had hostile feelings toward me. I didn't want to be the cause of a fight.
But last night, my husband found one of his kids on LinkedIn. I was annoyed that he mentioned it to me. I had been happily playing CastleVille. I barely know his kids and what I do know of them, I don't like. I wanted to enjoy a little time without thinking of my husband's miserable ex family. But he brought it up and that made me start thinking of the past. Before anyone thinks I'm totally heartless, I do understand that it can't be easy for them. I am sorry they have been through an upbringing with my husband's ex wife. On the other hand, maybe she really is the mother of the year, despite her apparent bad luck with men. I wouldn't know about that. All I know is that these kids have shown nothing but contempt and disrespect to people I care about. And that makes me not like them or want to hear about them.
Anyway, I just had a funny thought about what might have transpired had I attended that Christmas gathering. I'm sure that ex would have adopted an obnoxious, ingratiating tone of voice as she started to reminisce about her second marriage to my husband. My husband told me that at that awful gathering, she did actually reminisce aloud about the so-called "good times" they'd had during their marriage. Of course she did this "reminiscing" right in front of her current husband. There's no doubt in my mind, she would have done that in front of me, too, since she has no respect for me or anyone else. This would have been her way of rubbing my nose in it and trying to humiliate me in a subtle way.
Had I been at the gathering, I'm certain I would not have been level-headed enough to keep calm and collected. I would have reacted, and probably in a way that would have given Ex great satisfaction. But how funny would it have been if I had reacted in a way that she totally didn't expect? Wouldn't it have been funny if she found out about my delightful penchant for saying the most shocking things ever? For example, consider the following scenario.
Ex: "Oh... don't you remember when you and I used to..."
knotty's spouse: "Of course."
Ex: "We had the best time... It was one of the happiest times in our marriage, " said while giving me a patronizing and all-knowing look.
At that point, I could have cheerfully quipped, "Really? Because I heard the best part of your marriage was your immense skills at giving great head! I'm sure he misses it, because I don't have to do that to keep him around."
Of course, my husband's very inquisitive younger daughter, then aged 11 and now a devoted Mormon, probably would have piped up and asked 'What does 'giving head' mean?'" And if Mom didn't want to tell her, I could have filled her in with a detailed explanation, as well as some information about who initially taught her Mom how to suck dick. Yes, it's true. I know a lot of very intimate things about my husband's ex wife... stuff that really shouldn't take up any space in my head.
Had I made that provocative statement, everyone would have been totally shocked and mortified, though I have a feeling my husband's dad would have eventually thought it was funny.
I'm sure Ex's mouth would have dropped wide open. Then I could have taken a look at her mouth and commented on how many teeth she has and how I wouldn't want to risk putting anything fragile near those impressive choppers. Her husband would then probably seethe with the reminder that his dick is not the only one she's ever sucked. Indeed, from what I understand, my husband benefited greatly from the many different men who have enjoyed the ex's cocksucking talents. Apparently, that was one way she managed to keep her men.
Of course, pulling a mean-spirited stunt like that probably would have been uproariously funny, to me at least, but it also would have made me look like the bad influence she claims I am. And I was not about to give her that satisfaction. She can tell everybody what a horrible person I am, but the truth is, I have never acted badly in her presence because I've never been in her presence. And I have barely been in her kids' presence. Her claims about me have no basis in fact. So I can't be blamed for anything except coming along and marrying her ex husband. I can't be accused of stooping to her incredibly low level.
But I have to admit, it really is a funny thing to think about... making such an outrageously inappropriate and rude comment in front of her precious innocent kids. It might have been worth it to see the expression of utter humiliation on her face. It's kind of akin to throwing a drink at her or taking a big dump on her pillow. It sends home the deep level of contempt I have for her.